We had a very good night last night.
Roger and I had planned to go to the movies, but upon arriving at the theater, there was a line out the door for tickets and we decided to go home and rent a movie instead. We chose "Giant," which we both had seen, but it had been so long and since it's a classic, we didn't mind watching it again. For those of you who haven't seen it, it stars Rock Hudson, Liz Taylor, James Dean and a very young Sal Mineo. I highly recommend it to anyone.
But while watching the movie, we were also able to address issues that have come up between us over the years. There's a scene in the movie where Rock Hudson is discussing politics with his male friends and his wife, Liz Taylor, attempts to join in. The movie takes place in Texas, and Liz's character has come from Maryland, where the culture is very different. She is used to discussing politics, has a strong mind and equally strong opinions and is not afraid to speak them. When her husband tells her that politics is "men's business" and not to trouble her pretty little head about it, she retorts, "you mean my pretty little EMPTY head?" which embarrasses him in front of his buddies.
After a few pointed remarks, she huffs off to bed with the other women, but when Rock comes upstairs, he wakes her and tells her in no uncertain terms that he was ticked off by her behaviour. Roger and I both glanced at each other here. If this were one of "those types" of movies, she would have received a spanking at this point. Sadly, that didn't happen. She apologized for her behaviour, but Rock gets in a huff and puts on his shoes and hat and attempts to leave. Liz's tone changes, becomes softer, and she tells him "Honey, take off your hat and come to bed." Rock makes a few more angry comments, but she eventually talks him back to bed and they make up.
Roger paused the movie at this point and turned to me.
He explained to me how beautifully he thought she handled the situation. Liz did not concede that Rock was right in denying her the right to participate in the political discussion. She did not give up her assertion that Rock was wrong. But she avoided an argument that could have stewed for days by not allowing it to progress to an even bigger fight. Nor did she patronize him or make him feel belittled by her self riteousness. An argument, an especially valid argument, was not allowed to endanger her marriage. And Roger expressed a desire to see us work out our fights in a similar way.
I agree with him. I would love to be able to fight, then drop it and make up before it gets out of control. This is an area in which we need to work. But what touched me was that Roger never said that her position was not valid. He can concede that we both may have legitimate points but that we often spend too much time in asserting how right we are to focus on the important thing, which is to end the argument and make up. I am especially guilty here, since when I think I'm right and have been wronged, I often can't concede that he might have a point as well. In this case, Liz was definitely the one with a more valid gripe, but Rock had been humiliated by his wife's shrewishness in front of his buddies, and that can be emasculating. Roger would never want me to shush and stay out of "men's business," but we have had similar arguments on completely different topics which might have been resolved as easily if I could let go of my desire to beat a dead horse and keep insisting that I was right and he was wrong.
I love that my husband was able to find such an inocuous example to show me how he wished we could fight. Of course, we both would rather not fight at all, but that's a bit unrealistic. If I could find my own way to say, "Honey, take off your hat and come to bed," I think we'd both realize in the morning that the fight really didn't rise to the level of a days-long war that many of our fights often fizzle into. And if I had been in Liz's place, I would have been furious. It's not like it wasn't a real fight, with real marital issues at stake. But it wasn't the type of fight that was worth ending a marriage over, and when you let things escalate, that's often a risk that you take.
Roger also read my blog last night. My last post piqued his curiousity, since when we are in the midst of a fight, I often can't concede his side. But on reading my post, he said that it looked as though I not only saw his side but agreed with it. Why, if I can see his side, won't I concede when we are actually fighting?
The answer to that is that it takes me some time to get over the fight and process my thoughts. I'm not entirely rational when I'm arguing (neither is he, which is probably why we're fighting to begin with!), but once I've calmed down, I can be a bit more impartial and admit to my mistakes. It was nice to be able to talk this over with him, and I feel like this blog has actually helped give him a better idea of where my heart and mind are. We were both calm when we talked it over and we also were able to fully listen to one another, which is something that never happens during a fight. The anger just gets in the way for both of us. For me a bit more than him, I'm afraid. But last night was really, really productive and I feel like we were able to say everything with a good dose of love, which made the tough stuff a bit easier to swallow. The conversation continued into bed, where we lay in each other's arms and continued to express our problems in a very loving way.
We also took a ten-minute break from the movie to stretch and for me to change into my pajamas. He was on his computer when I was done, and I went up to him and told him I needed a spanking. That I was getting "uppity," which is one of the words he teases me with when he wants to give me a "just because" spanking. Know what he said? He told me that I was topping from the bottom and that it wasn't up to me to decide when I got a spanking. I retorted that if I was topping from the bottom, it just proved that I was "uppity" and needed a spanking. He said that he was not inclined to give in to that type of behaviour. You have to understand, all of this was being said with smiles and it actually had a flirting quality to it. Not at all serious. And eventually, I got my spanking.
And it was a real spanking, like I needed. He lectured me throughout, asking me if I planned to continue being "uppity" for the rest of the night. It hurt so badly that I was promising to be good for the rest of my life at this point, but he continued to spank me, asking me if I would do as I was told from now on. "Absolutely," I swore. "If I ask you to do something, are you going to obey me?" "Yes, sir!!!" I shrieked. "Will you obey me right away, or will you take your time about it?" "Right away! Please stop!!!" "Well, I'm not so sure you won't get uppity again, so I think this spanking needs to begin in earnest now, instead of these little love pats I've been giving you." I moaned with dread at this point. He continued spanking a little longer, then asked me the same questions all over again. I gave the same answers, but something in my tone must have convinced him, because this time he let me up.
It was the most disciplinary "just because" spanking I had ever had, and it felt fabulous.
It didn't feel like a spanking he was giving me just to satisfy my need for a spanking, it felt like a REAL spanking, which was just what I needed. Usually "just because" spankings hurt, but there's no lecture, no pleading on my part. If I tell him I've had enough, he usually stops. And the spankings are never so unbearably hard. That usually works for me, but the type of spanking I got last night felt even better. I was punished without having to act up, and punished THOROUGHLY. The lecture adds so much, and being completely out of control also helped. If I had been snarky, disobedient or truly "uppity," he would have handled it the exact same way, and I love that I didn't have to do any of those things to get this result. I've heard of "maintenance spankings" that others practice, but this was the first time I got anything that even resembled a maintenance spanking. With all of the troubles we've been having lately, the last thing on earth I want to do is act up, and this was a way for me to have my disciplinary spanking needs met without harming the progress we've been making in our relationship. Once again, I felt like I have a husband who really "gets" me. He knew exactly what I needed, without my having to ask, and delivered the spanking perfectly.
Have I mentioned before how much I love this man?
Anyway, just wanted to share with all of you. It really was a very good night.