A reply to Anonymous

Anonymous commented on my last post: “i'm a 17 year old girl in Michigan. I've been seeing the same man for the past year and he is very nice and respectable. However, I can't get the thought of being a submissive out of my head...reading all of your blogs, well, it turned me on a lot and all I can think about is meeting someone like your husband. How do you meet someone like that by the way. However, I am in love with my boyfriend soo much. But, I know he would never be okay with spanking or punishments..can I have some advice here please?!”

Sweetie, my first thought on reading your comment was that 17 is far too young to be worried about finding a mate. Part of the reason we spend our twenties dating is because we don’t yet know who we are or what we want from a life partner. My advice to you is to play the field, meet as many men as you can and focus more on enjoying yourself rather than finding someone with whom you can settle down. The right man will come along, but first you have to figure out what it is you want in a man so that you will be able to recognize him when you two meet.

When I was a year older than you are now, I met my first spanker. We worked together and I found him funny, kind and very sweet. At that point in my life, those were the only qualities I required in a man. As an added bonus, he enjoyed spanking, which I had been too embarrassed to admit I wanted. But we had a fun time together and it was an experience I don’t regret. He turned out to be wrong for me in many other ways, but I stayed with him for nine months (a lifetime, for me, in those days), far longer than I should have. I knew we weren’t right for long-term, but I kept going back to him, mainly because I wanted to be spanked and thought that I would never meet anyone else who was willing to do it. As I said in my previous post, this kink was very embarrassing for me and I didn’t want to have to admit my submissive tendencies to a vanilla man. But eventually, my relationship with this man ended and I moved on.

Not long after that, I met someone who I still consider to be one of the great loves of my life. Second only to Roger, I was attracted to this man from the moment I met him. As we got to know each other, he told me he had spanked one of our friends when she had been rude to him. As you can imagine, I fell head over heels at this point. But because he and I had met in a very vanilla way, I was still too embarrassed to let him know I wanted to be dominated and spanked. Instead, I acted up around him constantly, bratting at every opportunity and goading him into spanking me. It worked, but the spankings weren’t what I wanted. I have a very high pain tolerance and this guy spanked with his hand and it just didn’t deliver the sting that I craved. Despite this, our relationship was right in so many other ways, and we were together for three years, from 19 to 22. We broke up after college, when I moved away to pursue a job offer. We tried the long-distance thing, but it just didn’t work.

After this, I discovered the Internet and life changed. From 22 to 24, I met a series of doms, spankers and even sadists online who helped me realize just what I needed from a d/s relationship. I wasn’t into bondage, which I kind of already knew, I didn’t want to be spanked just for fun or in the bedroom, it had to be for discipline, and I wanted someone who left me free to make decisions for myself in other aspects of my life. 24/7 dominance was not what I wanted, even though the idea seemed appealing at first. One rule I made for myself during this time period was that I would not have sex with ANY of these men until I had chosen someone who would work for me long-term. It meant many a night at home alone with my handy vibrator, but it also kept me from getting emotionally tangled up with someone who was not going to last. I learned that lesson from my first spanker, who I had considered marrying, even though he was wrong for me in so many ways, simply because he was a spanker who turned me on sexually. I think choosing a life partner involves more than just love and sex. There are many factors to consider and it wasn’t until I was almost 25 that I had decided what I absolutely *needed* in a mate. Among those qualities were a college education, a sense of humor, a dominant personality and a love of books and ideas. I also wanted him to be taller than 6 feet, but was willing to compromise on that one. When I met Roger shortly before my 25th birthday, her fit all of these requirements perfectly and I was able to recognize in a matter of days that this was someone I wanted to marry. But we dated for five years before we finally made that commitment, just to be sure. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, since even the best relationships require compromising and butting heads, but it was a wonderful journey that we now look back on with laughter and tears.

There are many, many ways to find someone to love. You can search online - which carries many risks so PLEASE be careful! – or at church, community activities, school, work, even the mall. I wouldn’t recommend bars or nightclubs, mainly because a lot of disreputable people tend to frequent those places, but if dancing is an important part of a relationship to you, then you might want to try meeting men there. But one thing I would like you to weigh in your mind: Any man who loves you and wants to give you what you need will be willing to try his hand at spanking. If you two are right for each other, he will be willing to hear you out when you broach the spanking topic. As PK said in her comment, many, many women married vanilla men and were able to convince them to not only try spanking, but love doing it. I wouldn’t make it a requirement that a man be kinky, since I’m pretty sure that most of them are able to tap into their inner dominant and give you what you need. All they need for this is a bit of guidance.

But in order to guide your man into spanking you, you first need to learn what exactly you want. Spanking comes in so many varieties: erotic, disciplinary, playful, etc., and there are many types of spankos out there. Are you the kind of girl who needs to be spanked hard and taught a lesson? Or would you prefer a soft, sensual, erotic type of spanking? Do you want to be controlled by your spanker in every aspect of your life or would you prefer that he just spank you and let you decide things for yourself?

Those questions are really hard to answer at 17. I know, because I actually thought I wanted a 24/7 bdsm relationship in which I ceded total control to my dominant at one time. It wasn’t until a man ordered me to do something I really didn’t want to do that I realized that total d/s wasn’t for me. Roger and I have a rather egalitarian relationship in which I retain a good deal of autonomy. If I had married a dom who wanted to control me all the time, it wouldn’t have been much more than a month before we divorced. That’s why I think the most important way to find a man is to first find yourself. Imagine different scenarios in which you are married to different types of men and try and figure out what appeals to you. In your darkest fantasies, what sort of a man do you envision? Focus less on what he’s doing to you in these fantasies and try to see who he is. That’s the man you want to marry. And I’m not just talking sexual fantasies. In my early years, I used to envision a man who stayed up all night with me debating politics and quoting obscure literary texts that we both had enjoyed. I wanted someone who was knowledgeable about poetry and literature, but who was well-grounded in facts, so that he didn’t let me get carried away with my idealism. And guess what? Roger fit that description to a tee. Some nights we forgo sleep just to talk. The spanking part of our relationship is a very small part, to tell you the truth. It’s icing on the cake. You deserve a man who fulfills ALL of your fantasies, not just the sexual ones.

One thing I would advise looking for in a man: Confidence. A man who is secure in who he is and what he wants will be the sort of steady, reliable mate that you can depend on. He will be secure in his manhood and better able to dominate you in the ways that you need. This kind of man is rare, but a true gem. And another piece of advice: If he seems unduly jealous of family or friends, or if he tries to take control of you in ways that you don’t want, then run the other way. Fast. There is a thin line between a good dominant and an abusive control-freak. Evaluate your dates with as objective a perspective as you can muster, since the thrill of the early stages of love will soon fade and you will be left with a man who is flawed in many ways. All men have flaws, but it’s important to pick someone whose flaws you can live with. When you’re blinded by love, that can be hard to see, but you should definitely try to make an effort. That’s one of the main reasons I recommend putting off sex until you are sure that this guy is good for a long-term relationship. Sex can muddle your vision and make even the worst boyfriend look like husband material.

I’m glad you found my blog. Hopefully, by reading this and other writers’ musings, you will be able to decide what it is you are seeking and work out a way to get what you need. You have many years ahead of you before you should even think of getting married, and those years will be some of the best memories you will ever have. Your twenties should be a decade of exploring all kinds of people, learning more about your needs, wants and fantasies, as well as a time to grow into the best woman that you can be. A part of me envies you, since you have such an exciting time ahead of you. But another part of me is worried for you, since there will be plenty of hurt feelings, fights and broken hearts along the way as well. Just remember that all of that is temporary, and a necessary part of growing up and finding the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. And when you meet him, you will both have some fun laughs at the bumps in the road you both took in your attempts to find each other. Sigh. You are lucky to have such happy times ahead.

Best wishes,
Z.