Zelda's time-out

Tears tonight

2010-07-24T23:37:00.003-04:00

We had tears tonight. I haven't blogged in so long, but I wanted to share this with someone, so it's out there now. A friend of mine in the spanking community surmised at one point that tears come when you feel out of control. That certainly applied tonight.

We were using a leather implement we don't usually use and it did the dreaded wrap around my hip. When I torqued my body in response to this, Roger scolded me for getting out of position. At that point, I felt helpless. And there were tears. It was delightfully real.

For those who are wondering: Yes, I was being punished. Yes, I deserved it. And, no. You won't get any more details. ;)

Z.

A reply to Anonymous

2010-01-25T13:38:00.000-05:00

Anonymous commented on my last post: “i'm a 17 year old girl in Michigan. I've been seeing the same man for the past year and he is very nice and respectable. However, I can't get the thought of being a submissive out of my head...reading all of your blogs, well, it turned me on a lot and all I can think about is meeting someone like your husband. How do you meet someone like that by the way. However, I am in love with my boyfriend soo much. But, I know he would never be okay with spanking or punishments..can I have some advice here please?!”

Sweetie, my first thought on reading your comment was that 17 is far too young to be worried about finding a mate. Part of the reason we spend our twenties dating is because we don’t yet know who we are or what we want from a life partner. My advice to you is to play the field, meet as many men as you can and focus more on enjoying yourself rather than finding someone with whom you can settle down. The right man will come along, but first you have to figure out what it is you want in a man so that you will be able to recognize him when you two meet.

When I was a year older than you are now, I met my first spanker. We worked together and I found him funny, kind and very sweet. At that point in my life, those were the only qualities I required in a man. As an added bonus, he enjoyed spanking, which I had been too embarrassed to admit I wanted. But we had a fun time together and it was an experience I don’t regret. He turned out to be wrong for me in many other ways, but I stayed with him for nine months (a lifetime, for me, in those days), far longer than I should have. I knew we weren’t right for long-term, but I kept going back to him, mainly because I wanted to be spanked and thought that I would never meet anyone else who was willing to do it. As I said in my previous post, this kink was very embarrassing for me and I didn’t want to have to admit my submissive tendencies to a vanilla man. But eventually, my relationship with this man ended and I moved on.

Not long after that, I met someone who I still consider to be one of the great loves of my life. Second only to Roger, I was attracted to this man from the moment I met him. As we got to know each other, he told me he had spanked one of our friends when she had been rude to him. As you can imagine, I fell head over heels at this point. But because he and I had met in a very vanilla way, I was still too embarrassed to let him know I wanted to be dominated and spanked. Instead, I acted up around him constantly, bratting at every opportunity and goading him into spanking me. It worked, but the spankings weren’t what I wanted. I have a very high pain tolerance and this guy spanked with his hand and it just didn’t deliver the sting that I craved. Despite this, our relationship was right in so many other ways, and we were together for three years, from 19 to 22. We broke up after college, when I moved away to pursue a job offer. We tried the long-distance thing, but it just didn’t work.

After this, I discovered the Internet and life changed. From 22 to 24, I met a series of doms, spankers and even sadists online who helped me realize just what I needed from a d/s relationship. I wasn’t into bondage, which I kind of already knew, I didn’t want to be spanked just for fun or in the bedroom, it had to be for discipline, and I wanted someone who left me free to make decisions for myself in other aspects of my life. 24/7 dominance was not what I wanted, even though the idea seemed appealing at first. One rule I made for myself during this time period was that I would not have sex with ANY of these men until I had chosen someone who would work for me long-term. It meant many a night at home alone with my handy vibrator, but it also kept me from getting emotionally tangled up with someone who was not going to last. I learned that lesson from my first spanker, who I had considered marrying, even though he was wrong for me in so many ways, simply because he was a spanker who turned me on sexually. I think choosing a life partner involves more than just love and sex. There are many factors to consider and it wasn’t until I was almost 25 that I had decided what I absolutely *needed* in a mate. Among those qualities were a college education, a sense of humor, a dominant personality and a love of books and ideas. I also wanted him to be taller than 6 feet, but was willing to compromise on that one. When I met Roger shortly before my 25th birthday, her fit all of these requirements perfectly and I was able to recognize in a matter of days that this was someone I wanted to marry. But we dated for five years before we finally made that commitment, just to be sure. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, since even the best relationships require compromising and butting heads, but it was a wonderful journey that we now look back on with laughter and tears.

There are many, many ways to find someone to love. You can search online - which carries many risks so PLEASE be careful! – or at church, community activities, school, work, even the mall. I wouldn’t recommend bars or nightclubs, mainly because a lot of disreputable people tend to frequent those places, but if dancing is an important part of a relationship to you, then you might want to try meeting men there. But one thing I would like you to weigh in your mind: Any man who loves you and wants to give you what you need will be willing to try his hand at spanking. If you two are right for each other, he will be willing to hear you out when you broach the spanking topic. As PK said in her comment, many, many women married vanilla men and were able to convince them to not only try spanking, but love doing it. I wouldn’t make it a requirement that a man be kinky, since I’m pretty sure that most of them are able to tap into their inner dominant and give you what you need. All they need for this is a bit of guidance.

But in order to guide your man into spanking you, you first need to learn what exactly you want. Spanking comes in so many varieties: erotic, disciplinary, playful, etc., and there are many types of spankos out there. Are you the kind of girl who needs to be spanked hard and taught a lesson? Or would you prefer a soft, sensual, erotic type of spanking? Do you want to be controlled by your spanker in every aspect of your life or would you prefer that he just spank you and let you decide things for yourself?

Those questions are really hard to answer at 17. I know, because I actually thought I wanted a 24/7 bdsm relationship in which I ceded total control to my dominant at one time. It wasn’t until a man ordered me to do something I really didn’t want to do that I realized that total d/s wasn’t for me. Roger and I have a rather egalitarian relationship in which I retain a good deal of autonomy. If I had married a dom who wanted to control me all the time, it wouldn’t have been much more than a month before we divorced. That’s why I think the most important way to find a man is to first find yourself. Imagine different scenarios in which you are married to different types of men and try and figure out what appeals to you. In your darkest fantasies, what sort of a man do you envision? Focus less on what he’s doing to you in these fantasies and try to see who he is. That’s the man you want to marry. And I’m not just talking sexual fantasies. In my early years, I used to envision a man who stayed up all night with me debating politics and quoting obscure literary texts that we both had enjoyed. I wanted someone who was knowledgeable about poetry and literature, but who was well-grounded in facts, so that he didn’t let me get carried away with my idealism. And guess what? Roger fit that description to a tee. Some nights we forgo sleep just to talk. The spanking part of our relationship is a very small part, to tell you the truth. It’s icing on the cake. You deserve a man who fulfills ALL of your fantasies, not just the sexual ones.

One thing I would advise looking for in a man: Confidence. A man who is secure in who he is and what he wants will be the sort of steady, reliable mate that you can depend on. He will be secure in his manhood and better able to dominate you in the ways that you need. This kind of man is rare, but a true gem. And another piece of advice: If he seems unduly jealous of family or friends, or if he tries to take control of you in ways that you don’t want, then run the other way. Fast. There is a thin line between a good dominant and an abusive control-freak. Evaluate your dates with as objective a perspective as you can muster, since the thrill of the early stages of love will soon fade and you will be left with a man who is flawed in many ways. All men have flaws, but it’s important to pick someone whose flaws you can live with. When you’re blinded by love, that can be hard to see, but you should definitely try to make an effort. That’s one of the main reasons I recommend putting off sex until you are sure that this guy is good for a long-term relationship. Sex can muddle your vision and make even the worst boyfriend look like husband material.

I’m glad you found my blog. Hopefully, by reading this and other writers’ musings, you will be able to decide what it is you are seeking and work out a way to get what you need. You have many years ahead of you before you should even think of getting married, and those years will be some of the best memories you will ever have. Your twenties should be a decade of exploring all kinds of people, learning more about your needs, wants and fantasies, as well as a time to grow into the best woman that you can be. A part of me envies you, since you have such an exciting time ahead of you. But another part of me is worried for you, since there will be plenty of hurt feelings, fights and broken hearts along the way as well. Just remember that all of that is temporary, and a necessary part of growing up and finding the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. And when you meet him, you will both have some fun laughs at the bumps in the road you both took in your attempts to find each other. Sigh. You are lucky to have such happy times ahead.

Best wishes,
Z.

Embarrassed

2010-01-08T20:14:00.001-05:00

Sorry. I dropped this blog and haven’t thought about it in a while. Please don’t expect regular updates, but I do need to write out my thoughts on this and this is the place for it. Thank you for reading.

Why is it that I am so uncomfortable about TTWD? I have trouble even saying the word “spanking,” and I think that it’s actually connected to my kink in some way, since I’ve always been embarrassed by the thought of anyone getting a spanking, saying the word spanking, seeing a spanking or reading and writing about spankings. It gives me shivers of embarrassment that frighten me, make me nervous and also make me wet and excited. Sorry to be so blunt here, but it bears mentioning when covering this topic.

Yes, I can see that a lot of the embarrassment comes from being separate from the norm, but that’s not all of it. I’m also embarrassed about this being a sexual, private thing. A part of me is embarrassed because if I’m really a feminist, it’s hard to resolve wanting to submit to some man who tells me what to do and punishes me if I fail to obey. I’m embarrassed for needing this, instead of just wanting it. I’m embarrassed because if others knew about my lifestyle, they might think I’m deviant. I’m embarrassed because I like being treated like a child. I’m embarrassed by all sorts of tiny things he does to humiliate me while I’m being spanked and it turns me on even more. I’m embarrassed because I enjoy my embarrassment sometimes. And I don’t know what I would do if the embarrassment suddenly went away.

What if I lived in a world where it wasn’t a big deal to be into otk? If it wasn’t the sort of thing that would draw snickers from others when you talked about it, or if this were the sort of thing I could be open about with my parents, in-laws, children and grandchildren? What if we lived in a world where this sort of lifestyle, while not the norm, was something that was without social stigma and perfectly acceptable? Would the embarrassment go away? Or would it be even more embarrassing to get spanked and have everybody know that I was getting spanked? I have no idea.

I don’t even know if I would want to live in that kind of world. I’m one of those people who believe that our private lives should remain, for the most part, private. I keep a blog and post about what happens in my private life mainly because this lifestyle often raises issues that require meditation. Sometimes, when I’m writing here, I forget that others are reading my words. When I remember, can you guess how I feel about it? Yep. I get embarrassed.

Part of me wishes I lived in a world where I could confide in my mother that Roger was unfair spanking me last night, or tell a girlfriend that I need some otk tonight or I’m going to lose my mind. As things are, though, I would hate it if my parents or friends knew the details of my marriage. Not just because it’s deeply intimate and none of their business, but also because a part of me is ashamed of this kink. There. I’ve written it. I’m embarrassed even though there is no rational reason to be ashamed of what we do. No one is victimized; it only involves consenting adults and we both enjoy it. So why does this feel so wrong sometimes? I can’t resolve it.

When I was a child, I felt ashamed just by hearing the word or reading it in a book. When I became an adult, I was embarrassed when I sought spankers out and watched spanking videos. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS, but it feels as if there were. I don’t have any idea why. Maybe that’s what makes our sex lives better than those of vanilla couples. Because it feels like we’re being naughty and indulging in forbidden fruit. We definitely deserve to be spanked for that ;)

Love our Lurkers day

2009-10-13T14:39:00.001-04:00

Today is Love our Lurkers day, and although I don't deserve any lurkers (sorry to be so slow in posting news. I'm surprised any of you are still reading this blog), I do, indeed, love my lurkers, so this post is especially for you. Come on out of hiding and let us know who you are!

Zelly

One more thing

2009-08-16T00:30:00.002-04:00

And I'm not doing this to whine. It's just that, if I talk to him about this, I run the risk of making him think I need it again, since whenever I tell him a spanking was unfair, that's what happens. So this blog is my only place to vent, which is not the same was whining. It isn't. I promise you, it isn't. Damn it. Maybe it's the same, but it doesn't feel the same. Oh, well.

A less crazy schedule

2009-08-16T00:17:00.004-04:00

Maybe I can post once a month. At least, that's what I hope. I don't want to let the blog go. Is that silly? Anyway, things are still super-busy for me these days. I won't bore you with those details, but I am working more hours than I ever did in my life. At least most of my work is writing, so I can't complain. Ya know?

I got switched tonight. And unfairly, I think. Roger often likes to tease me, and he was in rare form tonight, goosing me mercilessly. For those of you who don't know what goosing is (I didn't until Roger), it's when he does this weird tickling/squeezing thing with his fingers on sensitive parts of my body that feels AWFUL. It makes me squeal, but not in a good way. I hate it.

But Roger likes to do it, and I thought I would show him what it feels like. As we were arriving home, and he was fumbling with his keys, I goosed him. We live in the most deserted wooded property now, so everything was pitch black out there. BY MISTAKE, I missed his ticklish sides and got him in the face. So he got furious and got a switch.

Is this fair? It was my first goosing, after all, and mistakes should be expected. And the switch? We all know how much I despise it. I didn't hurt him on purpose, you know? Not fair. And he started the whole goosing thing, so he should be switched, too, but we don't do that and anyway he doesn't agree with me. He's in the living room watching a movie and I'm in here upset. And no, talking to him won't help. I also broke the switch when he was turning me over, so I got it pretty badly. At least 100 times. NOT FAIR. The welts. They hurt.

My apologies

2009-07-19T02:04:00.003-04:00

I am so sorry to have not kept you updated. The last time I updated, my life was so drastically different and I owe you all a bit of an explanation. Roger and I have relocated from the South and are now in the Mid-West. The weather up here is so pretty, I find it hard to believe it will be so nasty this winter.

But the move was rather sudden, so I have had a hard time keeping up with this blog. For that, I apologize. I have also gone back to school and am working towards my doctorate in Romantic poetry. It is keeping me busy, and I am exhausted many a night, but I am content.

Yes, Roger still punishes me when I need it. I got a scorcher of a spanking last night for something I’m too ashamed to admit, even on here. It was something I know better than to do, something for which he’s punished me several times and something that could have had fatal repercussions, but luckily didn’t. I have nothing to say about that except Mea Culpa. I disappointed him, which is the really bad part.

I am sorry that I have neglected all of you. Some of you knew that I was taking a hiatus, but I really owed it to all of you to post something. I have no excuses and deserve a thorough blistering for being so remiss. But the truth is that I had no idea how to face you and tell you that I just don’t have the energy to keep this up anymore.

I never expected to gain a following with this blog, and started it with just the idea that it might be fun to write about all our silly romps and my overly analytical views on domestic discipline. I am pleasantly surprised by all of the readers who kept returning to hear about all my little exploits. Thank you. I feel like we have a common sisterhood (since I believe most of you are women), and it has been a pleasure to share this small part of my journey with all of you. Good luck in finding someone special to take you in hand if you are looking and good luck in keeping the one you love if you have already found him. Relationships can be tricky, I’ve learned, so I wish you patience and strength as well.

You may ask why I’m keeping the blog up if I no longer plan to update it. Well, I am not the type of person who says “never.” I may be back, but it looks like goodbye, for now. It’s very important that I progress with my education, so I am making a choice that I feel is right for me. But I'm also aware of how much I enjoyed writing this blog, so I am making sure that this decision is not irreversible. Despite that, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Again, thank you for sharing these months with me. I enjoyed confessing all my little secrets here, and it tickled me pink that total strangers knew what Roger’s and my closest friends and family don’t know. It’s wild, isn’t it? So in a way, all of you are like dear, intimate confidantes. I wish you all the best.

Zelda

Consider yourself warned (doesn't that title make your spine tingle? It does for me!)

2009-03-29T01:06:00.005-04:00

Roger wanted me to comment on my last post's comments. He also wants to put in his two cents on Cassie. I’ll see if he’s inclined to post on here at some point in the near future; if not, I’ll fill you all in on his views the next time I post.

In my support of Cassie, I am in no way condoning dishonesty. My point of view is this: If readers stop reading her site, simply because they say they’re angry because they were “betrayed,” then I think they’re being a bit dishonest here, too.

If you’re reading her blog because you feel close to Cassie, or feel like you can relate to what she’s going through, then you are getting what the author wanted you to get. I really think that people need to approach ALL online blogs as fiction, until the author can prove otherwise, which I think would be near impossible for him or her to do and remain safe as a blogger.

That includes my blog as well, of course. I’m not saying my work here is fiction, I’m just saying that you never know who is writing what. I could be a 75-year-old man with a house full of cats and a parrot I call “Goobers.” You never know. And I think most of you blog readers are smart enough to weigh that over in your mind whenever you go online. If not, consider yourself warned by me.

Not everyone is as they seem. Even if they are telling the truth in their blogs, I am 100% certain that YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE WHOLE STORY. If you can accept this, then by all means, continue reading the blogs. If you can’t, you need to remember that there are a lot of dishonest people in the world. And most people have computers. The logical leap here is that there will be a lot of dishonest people online. For this and so many other reasons, you should take everything your online “buddies” or “friends” tell you with a grain of salt.

Cassie, or PK, I am still a fan of your blog. I enjoyed reading it, and yes, I was hoping it was all true. The reason for that is that I was hoping Roger and I could grow up to be like you.

I feel that way about a lot of the blogs I follow. So many of you have such insightful things to say, or FUN stuff to do with your husbands, boyfriends or other spankers, that I get to wishing I lived your life sometimes. Usually when Roger is grouchy or I’m in one of my snits or we’re both so overworked and tired we can barely spend time together. But even when I'm wishing I were someone else, I'm wishing I could live that person's life with Roger there beside me. That is why I feel blessed.

Anyway, that’s my two cents. And I hope all of you get to hear from Roger soon. He reads this blog, so maybe you can coax him out of hiding? Though if my nagging doesn’t work, I don’t know what will… ;)

With best wishes and hope that you're all being safe,
Zelda

I have a question for you!!!

2009-03-01T20:06:00.004-05:00

Maybe you follow other blogs that are of a similar nature, like the ones I've listed under "Links I Love." Could anyone out there tell me what happened to Cassie of Cassie's Space?

I've not been reading my blogs regularly, and really don't have much time these days to catch up, but I thought maybe someone who reads her site also reads mine.

If you know, please let me know. The blog went private when I was out of town then I tried it again yesterday and it was back up again.

Someone fill me in? I always loved that site.

Spanking tradition

2009-03-01T03:25:00.004-05:00

Yes, yes. I know I've been remiss about the blog. All is well, just haven't had time or energy to blog lately. Forgive me.

But I came across something on Wikipedia that I just HAD to share.

As some of you may have gathered, I'm not Christian. I was raised as a Hindu, but a nominal Hindu at best.

With the Lenten season upon us, and with many Catholic and Episcopalian friends, I became curious about the holiday, its traditions and its significance. So I turned to the Internet.

After reading up on Lent, I turned my curiosity to Easter. Yes, I know all about the pretty eggs, but was fascinated to read up on how it is celebrated in other parts of the world. Much like Christmas, which has its own unique flavor wherever it is observed, Easter is as varied as the colors of Spring.

Here's a snippet of what I found out from the
Wikipedia Easter article:

"In the Czech Republic and Slovakia, a tradition of spanking or whipping is carried out on Easter Monday. In the morning, men spank women with a special handmade whip called a pomlázka (in Czech) or korbáč (in Slovak), or, in eastern Moravia and Slovakia, throw cold water on them. The pomlázka/korbáč consists of eight, twelve or even twenty-four withies (willow rods), is usually from half a meter to two meters long and decorated with coloured ribbons at the end. The spanking normally is not painful or intended to cause suffering. A legend says that women should be spanked in order to keep their health and beauty during whole next year.[40]

An additional purpose can be for men to exhibit their attraction to women; unvisited women can even feel offended. Traditionally, the spanked woman gives a coloured egg and sometimes a small amount of money to the man as a sign of her thanks. In some regions the women can get revenge in the afternoon or the following day when they can pour a bucket of cold water on any man."

I wonder how Roger would feel if I poured cold water on him this Easter Sunday???

The sting is back

2009-01-07T20:34:00.002-05:00

Well, it's back. The spanking pain, that is. The other night, he just used his hand, lightly too, I might add, and I was squirming, trying to avoid the sting. C'est la vie.

I'm thinking it must be hormones. There is no other reason for it to vary from day to day like this. But who knows? All of you think it was due to my head space, but nothing has changed. I'm still not getting disciplined, just spanked. For fun.

One thing that was funny: When he was spanking me with his hand, he put on a gruff voice and tried to make me fear him. But it made me laugh because it sounded like someone reading a fairy tale and doing the voice of the big, bad wolf. But boy did he blow my house in that night!!!

Cheers,
Z.

No more pain!!!

2009-01-04T02:15:00.002-05:00

I'm in an odd situation. Spankings don't hurt anymore. Seriously. Roger can whack away all he wants, with various implements, and it's like a walk in the park for me. I've never had this kind of pain tolerance.

OK. I exaggerated a tiny bit. Nothing hurts EXCEPT the back scratcher. That still scorches. And we haven't tried switches lately, so I'm not sure about them. But if I had to bet, I'd say they probably still hurt too.

But why don't the belt, hand or paddle sting anymore? He swung about as hard as he could while still staying safe, and it was like I could feel it a teensy weensy bit, but certainly not enough to even merit an "ouch." And why does the back scratcher still drive me into pleading wails? This is a puzzle.

Hormones? Can't be, since I've been spanked on every day of my cycle in the past and never experienced this. Too much spanking? Not that either, since it's been a bit of a rare event lately. That's right, folks. I've been GOOD! And not just ordinary good, I've been so sickly sweet that Cindy Brady would have mocked my saccharine disposition. So the spankings have all been fun ones, but it's no fun when they don't hurt!!! It feels like he's playing patty cake back there.

And it's not nerve damage either, since I can feel everything is just fine back there. And if it were nerve damage, the back scratcher would at least be a bit less effective. I don't get it.

The only explanation that my non-scientific brain has come up with is that I am in a peaceful place right now: My back is doing well, Roger and I are both mellow and not fighting, plus my mother has been leaving me alone. So, with the psychological distress removed, the physical distress is less distressing. Does that jive with any of you guys? Or am I missing another explanation that is a better fit?

Roger is rather surprised by it as well. He was also surprised that I hid the back scratcher. Will the man never learn? If he uses the back scratcher (which he found hidden under the mattress), I will be reminded of how much that thing smarts. And I will be forced to take action. So it magically disappeared tonight. And I thought I had him foiled, since he couldn't spank me into telling him where it was. But the evil man has figured out another weapon.

He goosed me. For those of you who don't know what goosing is, it's sort of like tickling, but much worse. And he wouldn't stop until I told him where the blasted thing was. Next time, it's going down the garbage disposal. Roger says I'll get an hour's worth of goosing if I break the disposal, so maybe I need to cut it up into tiny little pieces. This is turning into a battle of wits.

But seriously, why doesn't spanking hurt anymore?

A very good night

2008-12-27T06:11:00.003-05:00

We had a very good night last night.

Roger and I had planned to go to the movies, but upon arriving at the theater, there was a line out the door for tickets and we decided to go home and rent a movie instead. We chose "Giant," which we both had seen, but it had been so long and since it's a classic, we didn't mind watching it again. For those of you who haven't seen it, it stars Rock Hudson, Liz Taylor, James Dean and a very young Sal Mineo. I highly recommend it to anyone.

But while watching the movie, we were also able to address issues that have come up between us over the years. There's a scene in the movie where Rock Hudson is discussing politics with his male friends and his wife, Liz Taylor, attempts to join in. The movie takes place in Texas, and Liz's character has come from Maryland, where the culture is very different. She is used to discussing politics, has a strong mind and equally strong opinions and is not afraid to speak them. When her husband tells her that politics is "men's business" and not to trouble her pretty little head about it, she retorts, "you mean my pretty little EMPTY head?" which embarrasses him in front of his buddies.

After a few pointed remarks, she huffs off to bed with the other women, but when Rock comes upstairs, he wakes her and tells her in no uncertain terms that he was ticked off by her behaviour. Roger and I both glanced at each other here. If this were one of "those types" of movies, she would have received a spanking at this point. Sadly, that didn't happen. She apologized for her behaviour, but Rock gets in a huff and puts on his shoes and hat and attempts to leave. Liz's tone changes, becomes softer, and she tells him "Honey, take off your hat and come to bed." Rock makes a few more angry comments, but she eventually talks him back to bed and they make up.

Roger paused the movie at this point and turned to me.

He explained to me how beautifully he thought she handled the situation. Liz did not concede that Rock was right in denying her the right to participate in the political discussion. She did not give up her assertion that Rock was wrong. But she avoided an argument that could have stewed for days by not allowing it to progress to an even bigger fight. Nor did she patronize him or make him feel belittled by her self riteousness. An argument, an especially valid argument, was not allowed to endanger her marriage. And Roger expressed a desire to see us work out our fights in a similar way.

I agree with him. I would love to be able to fight, then drop it and make up before it gets out of control. This is an area in which we need to work. But what touched me was that Roger never said that her position was not valid. He can concede that we both may have legitimate points but that we often spend too much time in asserting how right we are to focus on the important thing, which is to end the argument and make up. I am especially guilty here, since when I think I'm right and have been wronged, I often can't concede that he might have a point as well. In this case, Liz was definitely the one with a more valid gripe, but Rock had been humiliated by his wife's shrewishness in front of his buddies, and that can be emasculating. Roger would never want me to shush and stay out of "men's business," but we have had similar arguments on completely different topics which might have been resolved as easily if I could let go of my desire to beat a dead horse and keep insisting that I was right and he was wrong.

I love that my husband was able to find such an inocuous example to show me how he wished we could fight. Of course, we both would rather not fight at all, but that's a bit unrealistic. If I could find my own way to say, "Honey, take off your hat and come to bed," I think we'd both realize in the morning that the fight really didn't rise to the level of a days-long war that many of our fights often fizzle into. And if I had been in Liz's place, I would have been furious. It's not like it wasn't a real fight, with real marital issues at stake. But it wasn't the type of fight that was worth ending a marriage over, and when you let things escalate, that's often a risk that you take.

Roger also read my blog last night. My last post piqued his curiousity, since when we are in the midst of a fight, I often can't concede his side. But on reading my post, he said that it looked as though I not only saw his side but agreed with it. Why, if I can see his side, won't I concede when we are actually fighting?

The answer to that is that it takes me some time to get over the fight and process my thoughts. I'm not entirely rational when I'm arguing (neither is he, which is probably why we're fighting to begin with!), but once I've calmed down, I can be a bit more impartial and admit to my mistakes. It was nice to be able to talk this over with him, and I feel like this blog has actually helped give him a better idea of where my heart and mind are. We were both calm when we talked it over and we also were able to fully listen to one another, which is something that never happens during a fight. The anger just gets in the way for both of us. For me a bit more than him, I'm afraid. But last night was really, really productive and I feel like we were able to say everything with a good dose of love, which made the tough stuff a bit easier to swallow. The conversation continued into bed, where we lay in each other's arms and continued to express our problems in a very loving way.

We also took a ten-minute break from the movie to stretch and for me to change into my pajamas. He was on his computer when I was done, and I went up to him and told him I needed a spanking. That I was getting "uppity," which is one of the words he teases me with when he wants to give me a "just because" spanking. Know what he said? He told me that I was topping from the bottom and that it wasn't up to me to decide when I got a spanking. I retorted that if I was topping from the bottom, it just proved that I was "uppity" and needed a spanking. He said that he was not inclined to give in to that type of behaviour. You have to understand, all of this was being said with smiles and it actually had a flirting quality to it. Not at all serious. And eventually, I got my spanking.

And it was a real spanking, like I needed. He lectured me throughout, asking me if I planned to continue being "uppity" for the rest of the night. It hurt so badly that I was promising to be good for the rest of my life at this point, but he continued to spank me, asking me if I would do as I was told from now on. "Absolutely," I swore. "If I ask you to do something, are you going to obey me?" "Yes, sir!!!" I shrieked. "Will you obey me right away, or will you take your time about it?" "Right away! Please stop!!!" "Well, I'm not so sure you won't get uppity again, so I think this spanking needs to begin in earnest now, instead of these little love pats I've been giving you." I moaned with dread at this point. He continued spanking a little longer, then asked me the same questions all over again. I gave the same answers, but something in my tone must have convinced him, because this time he let me up.

It was the most disciplinary "just because" spanking I had ever had, and it felt fabulous.

It didn't feel like a spanking he was giving me just to satisfy my need for a spanking, it felt like a REAL spanking, which was just what I needed. Usually "just because" spankings hurt, but there's no lecture, no pleading on my part. If I tell him I've had enough, he usually stops. And the spankings are never so unbearably hard. That usually works for me, but the type of spanking I got last night felt even better. I was punished without having to act up, and punished THOROUGHLY. The lecture adds so much, and being completely out of control also helped. If I had been snarky, disobedient or truly "uppity," he would have handled it the exact same way, and I love that I didn't have to do any of those things to get this result. I've heard of "maintenance spankings" that others practice, but this was the first time I got anything that even resembled a maintenance spanking. With all of the troubles we've been having lately, the last thing on earth I want to do is act up, and this was a way for me to have my disciplinary spanking needs met without harming the progress we've been making in our relationship. Once again, I felt like I have a husband who really "gets" me. He knew exactly what I needed, without my having to ask, and delivered the spanking perfectly.

Have I mentioned before how much I love this man?

Anyway, just wanted to share with all of you. It really was a very good night.

Zelda

Happy holidays!

2008-12-24T04:20:00.002-05:00

I want to wish every one of my readers a very happy holiday season and hope all of you are safe, loved and very content.

I just returned from a six-week trip to India, where I rested, healed and recovered from a very difficult time. The trip was very needed and went well, with the exception of the terror attacks and missing Roger intensely. The attacks hit very close to home, since the Taj hotel, which was targeted, was a watering hole for many of my friends and those of my parents. When the terrorists began the siege, we knew that several people we knew were trapped inside, and then slowly learned of three deaths: One from smoke inhalation and the others from being gunned down by the bastards. Needless to say, we were devastated by the deaths of some very dear friends. I grew up in Manhattan, but no one I knew had been hurt on 9/11. This time, they managed to hit closer to home, even though I was thousands of miles from my home.

The Taj hotel was a place where at any time, day or night, I could walk in and find someone I knew within five minutes of being there. This was an especially hard time for me, and it was made even harder by the fact that Roger was not there for me to lean on.

In truth, I've been dreading this post. Not because I dislike blogging: I find writing this blog to be cathartic, but because I've been dreading what I was planning to write. Roger and I have been through a miserable few months, and I wasn't sure if I was going to write about it or not. I decided to go ahead and do it.

We've been fighting, making up and fighting again. The dreaded word, "Divorce," has even come up. We're not thinking of splitting any more, but for a time, it looked like I was going to lose him. And it was all my fault.

It started with a mini crisis over my laptop. I was having difficulty with it and since I need it for work, it was especially worrying to me, since in this economic climate, I didn't want to give my boss any reason at all to let me go. I was unable to do my job for several days, and eventually had to get a new laptop, but in the meantime, I lost my temper with Roger several times. And he had done nothing really wrong: All he was trying to do was help.

The first temper fit resulted in a spanking with a switch and me spending a half hour in the corner. The third one was so vicious that Roger said I was as bad as my parents and that he wasn't sure he could keep taking my abuse. That was when he suggested that we may have to divorce, since he could only take so much. It may sound extreme, but he was justified here. If there was any chance that I was turning into either of my parents, I wouldn't want to be married to me either.

I come from a pretty messed up home. My father is an alcoholic and my mother has both a short fuse and a violent nature. They have money, but are severely lacking in other areas. To give you an example, when my mother lost her temper as we were growing up, the nanny would have to take me and my sisters and lock us in a bedroom so that she wouldn't harm us. I'm not talking about spankings here: When Mom hit us, she would whack away at anything she could get her hands near: faces, ears, arms, legs, whatever. She once broke a wooden hairbrush on my older sister's head.

As a result, we were all damaged in one way or another. I turned out fairly OK for the most part, but my older sister has been anorexic since high school and my younger sister is obese and addicted to pain meds. I was dangerously thin in high school, even lost my period, but have been prettu much all right after years of therapy and Roger's love and support. But I have never witnessed a functional, healthy relationship up close and have a tough time with marriage because of this.

Roger, on the other hand, comes from a warm, tight-knit family. Yes, they have problems - who doesn't? - but his parents were married for nearly 40 years before his dad died and he had always been very close to both of them.

One of the things that surprised me most about his family were the holidays. I never knew that there were families who actually had HAPPY holidays. I thought that the whole "families together at Christmas and happy about it" thing was something that was made up for movies and television and that most people were stressed and miserable when forced to be together at this time of year. Why else would suicide rates spike at this time of year? But Roger's family gets together each year and genuinely looks forward to the holidays.

The year I was 11, my family got into a fight over how to decorate the Christmas tree and it became so out of hand that I actually attempted suicide with my mother's Valium. Every year, when we were forced to be together, it was stressful, spiteful and very upsetting for me and my sisters. Now, as adults, we spend Christmas, Thanksgiving and New Years as far apart from each other as we can, often on several different continents. In fact, this year was the first Thanksgiving I spent with my father since I graduated from high school 14 years ago. It was just the two of us, since my sisters aren't speaking to him or my mother.

My mom was definitely worse than my dad. He basically checked out with the alcohol and is only guilty of being emotionally distant and leaving us alone with an insane woman. She, on the other hand, was emotionally and physically abusive, and that still hasn't stopped. When I call her tomorrow to wish her a merry Christmas, it will be the first time we've spoken in 6 months. I have had to cut her out of my life because I can't take the stress any more, especially when I have real problems to deal with: Like my back pain, surgery and marital difficulties.

Want to know the funny thing? She actually thinks she's a great mother! I don't know if she really believes that or if it's just another one of the many lies she tells, but it always makes me shake my head in disbelief. She will lose her temper, then forget all of the horrible things she said or did, then deny it ever happened. Whenever my sisters and I talk (which isn't often, since we don't like reminders of that time in our lives and we each are living reminders of the war zone that was our childhood), we always are in complete awe of how horrid our mother can be, even now. She lies to each of us about the other, and tries to lower our self esteem by telling us how much better each of our sisters is. I went through most of my life believing that I was the screw-up in the family, that my sisters were better daughters and better people than I could ever hope to be and that my parents were both ashamed of me. This is the love I have known.

Which makes it very hard for me to show love to those around me. Roger feels unloved by me, and I am not sure how to fix that. When I lose my temper, I can hear my mom in my voice and my words echo things she has said to me. Roger says no one has ever talked like that to him in his entire life. And these hurtful words are coming from his wife, the woman who loves him more than anyone else in the world. I hate myself when this happens, and I have tried so hard to change, but when I get stressed, I become a different person, someone I am disgusted by.

DD doesn't work here. Roger feels like DD is something that is so intimate and so filled with love that it is difficult for him to force it on me when I am in a rage. It also feeds my temper sometimes. He does try to do it, and even started with DD in this last conflict, but it gets to a point when it goes beyond that.

We have been struggling with my temper since Day One, and it actually is a lot better than it was. Like my parents, I used to lose it over little things, minutiae. But that hardly ever happens now. But even with real issues, when I'm in a genuine crisis, I don't want to lash out at the one person who is truly on my side in every possible way. Roger is my hero: The man I look up to, my rock. I want to be more like him, especially when it comes to his placid nature, his patience and his goodness. He is the most ethical man I know. It kills me that I treat him like this. I want to stop, but it's a tough thing to overcome.

This temper is most likely in my genes and it also was such an integral part of my formative years, that I've found it very hard to kick the habit, so to speak. Thank god he forgave me this last time, but I'm not sure he'll stick around to keep taking this kind of abuse if I keep doing it. Also, we want kids. If I do this to Roger, who is practically a saint when it comes to patience, imagine what I might do to a child. I know I would never hit my child, but words can last way beyond the pain of a beating. I know that because I can remember every painful detail from my youth. I don't want to be a mother like the one I had. But if I'm still doing this after 8 years of "Roger therapy," there's a chance that it will never fully go away.

I may return to therapy. I know I need it, but something keeps holding me back. I have a therapist and can make an appointment with her whenever I want, but I haven't made the call yet. Writing this post has helped, believe it or not. But this is a hue issue and I know that it will take more than just writing to solve the problem. I am doing my best these days to make Roger feel loved, respected and cherished, but it's not at times like this that I worry about. I worry about the times when my guard is down, months from now, when this last fight is a distant memory. If something stressful, scary or upsetting happens then, will I keep my cool or lose it again? I hope I will have learned my lesson, but I've thought that before and it has happened more times than I would like.

My only consolation is that with my mom, it's a daily thing. Constant abuse. When I do it, especially now, it's a very rare thing. But I wish it didn't happen at all.

I hope you all don't think less of me for sharing this. I think a lot less of myself, reading it on my computer screen and seeing my faults written so plainly in black and white. I know I've mentioned in previous posts that I have a temper, but now all of you know that I'm not talking about a normal temper. I'm deeply ashamed of it and would give anything to rid myself of it. Prayer and therapy seem the most likely ways to fix this, but if any of you have suggestions, I'm all ears.

Again, I wish each of you a very merry Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year's, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice or whatever holiday you celebrate. And thank you for reading my blog and waiting for me while I sorted out all of my many problems. I feel blessed to have you as my online friends.

Love,
Zelda

Thank you, everyone

2008-12-01T07:26:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments and e-mails. I will reply to them soon, but am still taking some time away from the blog just to gather my thoughts. I will be home with Roger in about two weeks, and will then have more news to report. This was the first year we spent Thanksgiving apart, which was difficult, but I am recovering from my messed-up head space and ready to return to the world of the living. I am deeply grateful for all of the support I have found through this blog and feel lucky to have made online friends who are as caring as all of you. Roger joins me in thanking each of you. You bring new meaning to the Thanksgiving holiday.

My best to everyone,
Zelda

My deepest apologies

2008-11-10T12:34:00.002-05:00

I am very sorry for not updating in so long. All I can say is that I have been in the midst of an arduous battle with depression lately over my back and the problems that are still not resolved after a painful and extremely expensive surgery. I'm also spending a month away from Roger, visiting my family abroad, which means I have very little to report.

But I truly appreciate the e-mails and the concern. I know I took on a responsibility when I started this blog, and I feel like I owe you all updates even when I can't drag myself out of bed. The guilt over everything I'm neglecting these days leads to inertia, which leads to more guilt, etc., etc. Sometimes it feels like an uphill battle just to breathe.

As you can imagine, I've taken an extended leave of absence from work. Between my physical state and my emotional state, I am simply tired. It looks like I will need another surgery, but we're not sure when that will be scheduled, since the surgeon is not certain that I've fully recovered from the first surgery and is hesitant to proceed until he knows what my permanent condition will be. I feel like I am too young to be dealing with this stuff.

Anyway, to all of you waiting for updates, I am truly sorry. The best explanation I can offer is that I am not myself right now and until things improve, I feel like I have nothing to offer my readers. Being away from my husband also makes me feel rudderless, and without him, I am uninspired.

My best wishes to all,
Zelda

A look back in time

2008-10-07T17:15:00.001-04:00

Well it happened over the weekend. My first switching since the 911 incident. It was bad, but could have been worse. That’s really all I want to say about it. He says that if he finds cigarettes, he will throw them out, and he will continue to use the switch if he even suspects that I’m smoking. He made good on that promise last night, and I got it again after going out to smoke. Daisy, I hear your warnings and I know it’s dumb to smoke, especially under these circumstances, but I’m hooked again. I plan to get another prescription for Chantix when I see the doctor again, since that is the only thing that has even come close to helping me quit nicotine. Until then, I expect I will get over my fear of switches or give up smoking. One or the other has to happen.

I was on a site yesterday that I haven’t visited in a long while: http://fondlyandfirmly.com. I used to visit that site frequently back in the late ‘90s before I met Roger. It’s written by an Australian man named Mr. Fondman, who understands a woman’s DD needs so well that I had a crush on him despite myself back in the day. Back then, he used his real name on the site, but has since gotten married and become much more private. I believe his wife is the reason for the name removal. We women are so much more sensible than men. As proud as I am of my DD relationship, I certainly wouldn’t want to be defined by it, especially by co-workers and employers. Mr. Fondman’s real name, when googled, still brings up some spanking sites, but it certainly is not overwhelming, as it must have been when I discovered his site.

The Fondly and Firmly site hasn’t been updated significantly in years, but it was a wonderful trip down memory lane. Another favorite of mine, back in the day, was Laura’s Spanking Corner, http://www.thespankingcorner.com/index.shtml, where I would gorge on free spanking stories. Back then, I never thought that I would find a man who wanted to spank me.

I know many of you out there have talked vanilla men into spanking you, and I admire you for that. But I never was able to broach the subject with non-spankos. I also always felt that I wanted a man to WANT to spank me, not someone who was willing to do it simply to fulfill my need. Just my own preference, I guess.

But I remember a time when I was in awe of everything that was out there on the Internet. Back then, there was much less, no blogs, very few video sites, etc. My very first visit to a website was Shadow Lane. I had seen ads for Shadow Lane in Cosmopolitan magazine for years and finally got the courage to send out for their introductory package (via snail mail) in my freshman year of college, the first time I had a mailbox that was completely private. I was in awe of the amount of stuff they sent: Spanking personals, stories, art work. I did not subscribe to any of their magazines, being a poor college kid, but I was ready to acknowledge that this was an interest that maybe, just maybe, others shared as well. Then the ‘Net opened up a whole new world.

Unlike many others out there, I was a bit more naïve in finding fuel for this interest. I had never read romance novels, never watched wrestling, so I was unaware of all of the spanking references that were rampant in these venues. I thrilled when Rhett threatened Scarlett with a buggy whip lashing in Gone With the Wind, but that was the limit to my wife spanking startles. But on the World Wide Web, I found men who were not only willing to spank, they were desperate to find spanking partners! By the time Roger found me online, I had met several men who had already spanked me, and was quite popular in IM chats. But the very first night he IM’ed me, I knew this guy was different.

He matched my tastes, not only when it came to DD, but in literature, love of animals, ideals and goals. This was someone I could not only grow old with, but someone I would enjoy introducing to my family. A man I could marry. I thought nothing of moving across the country within 3 months of knowing him, and moving in with him within the year. My friends were surprised, but supportive. My family was shocked, but eventually came around. I had everything I wanted. And those sites, the ones which had nursed me through the lonely years, were no longer of interest to me. I never revisited Mr Fondman’s site or the Spanking Corner until yesterday. On a whim, I perused those pages yesterday, and so much came flooding back. It amazes me how far I’ve come in these years, how much I’ve managed to accomplish. Back then, I was just starting my career, lonely in a big city and wondering if I’d ever find someone who met ALL of my many needs. Now, I’m working a job I love, have a man I wouldn’t trade for the world and even own my own home, which I never thought would happen. Funny how just a short trip on the Internet can make you realize so much.

On a sadder note, the cat that we’ve been feeding for the past year has disappeared. We’re praying that he has simply been adopted by a family that has made him an indoor pet, as he deserves to be, but we worry about him, given the number of coyotes and foxes that traverse our property at night. Kitty, we’ll miss you.

Caught

2008-10-03T18:56:00.002-04:00

I suppose I can finally be honest on here. I've been smoking again. A lot. I started up while going through morphine withdrawal and kept it from Roger for some time. Now he knows. The man is a detective. He can hear me smoking on the phone. He asked me point-blank if I was smoking and when I answered "No," he asked me to swear. Naturally, I couldn't do that, so I admitted to all of it.

Now guess what he's planning to do? That's right, I'm getting the switch. Never mind that I haven't fully recovered enough for the switching I already have coming, he says I'll do fine for what he has in mind. Know what I have in mind? Dread. I'm not ready for this emotionally, even if I am ready for it physically.

He says I should have let him know I was smoking. Now why would I do that? I wanted to smoke, and if I told him, he would have seen to it that I didn't smoke. So OF COURSE I kept it from him!

I managed for some time without getting caught. Even smoked with him in the house and awake. Yet I get caught when he's at work and there's no chance of him smelling the smoke. He could actually hear it through the phone!!! Man has the ears of a dog.

Chilling and burning

2008-09-30T16:46:00.001-04:00

Not much happened over the past week as I have been trying to get off my pain medications. The doctor has put me on a schedule which dictates that I slowly taper off the morphine, which is no longer necessary since my back was fixed. It’s a slow process, and I can sympathize somewhat with what heroin addicts must go through while in rehab, since morphine is essentially pharmaceutical heroin. At least I have it easy: I’m being tapered off, so that my body doesn’t get shocked by the lack of drugs. I’ve been on the meds for almost a year, and it will be a relief to be off them. They affect how I taste food, my hair has been falling out and I’ve lost over 30 pounds while taking them.

Roger has been terrific through all of this. We went out for lobster the other night, my favorite, and have had some very nice intimate talks. He is so sympathetic, it’s amazing.

But the withdrawal is not pleasant. The main symptom that bothers me is chills with hot flashes. Like I have a fever, almost. It has been driving me crazy and even led to my second spanking since the surgery. Roger has told me not to mess with the thermostat, since this is an internal chill and the external heat won’t make any difference. I’m sure that’s true, but it feels wonderful to turn up the heat and feel all toasty while going through this. Especially since the weather’s starting to change and there really is a chill in the air. I’m very much a summer girl. I will take a hot sunny day over a snowy one ten times out of ten. But Roger hates it when it’s too hot. Last night, he accused me of trying to roast him alive and turning our house into a sauna. I have the option of a small space heater, which I can use instead of turning up the heat, but I really prefer it when the whole house is cozy. That’s why I turned up the thermostat.

So I got it with his hand. A very mild spanking that had me squirming nonetheless. I believe there’s some truth to this “virgin butt” syndrome: It definitely hurts more when you haven’t been spanked in a while. I’ve never gone this long without spanking, so I had no way of knowing either way until recently.

After that spanking, I got a good-girl spanking that I had been craving for a very long time. Lots of cuddling afterwards. Mmmm.

But, knowing me, I couldn’t leave well enough alone. After crawling in bed, I started shivering, and got cranky. I know now that it was hormones (got my monthly visitor this morning), but at the time it seemed like Roger was being unnecessarily cruel. How dare he deny me heat when I’m covered in goose bumps! A tantrum found its way into our lives and I got my first spanking with an implement since the surgery. He chose the hairbrush, which isn’t terrible, but still packs a wallop. It’s not too stingy like a switch, nor too heavy like a paddle or whooshy like a belt, but a hairbrush can definitely burn. Especially this one. It was once my mom’s hairbrush, very old, solid and heavy. One of those old-fashioned wooden ones that I’m sure was designed to have two purposes, one of which has nothing to do with hair. Anyway, it delivers a burn like no other. Took my mind of the chills, that's for sure.

Of course, the rules have been long forgotten in this house. I couldn’t move much during the spanking since I’m not allowed to twist or torque my body until I get the doctor’s OK on that, so Roger had me in a pretty strong vice grip to prevent that. But I sure could make a lot of noise. And I did. I howled. Like I said, there may be something to this “virgin butt” theory.

I get the feeling that I’m probably in for more today. Roger hinted about it at bedtime, so we’ll just have to see. Hate the pain, but god, I’ve missed this feeling. I’m starting to feel like my life is finally coming back and that the back pain won’t be ruling our lives forever. It’s an incredible feeling.

Z.

A return to DD - somewhat

2008-09-20T13:29:00.002-04:00

I got my first punishment in several weeks today. Not the switching that I'm expecting; Raj says that will have to wait until I'm less fragile. But he spanked me with his hand. A moderate, otk, punishment spanking with only his hand. And my virgin butt thought he was killing me. I couldn't keep position. I cried out. And you all know how Roger feels about me moving about and making noise while being spanked.

He kept at it and informed me that the spanking wouldn't stop until I got control of myself. Amazingly, after he said that, I was able to gather myself enough to make the unbearable pain stop.

What did I do to deserve this? I carped on him about the mess he had made in my living room. This was after a lovely early morning drive to the lake and a pleasant hike to aid my recovery (the surgeon says that walking is my physical therapy, so we try to do it as often as possible). I had to go and ruin a beautiful morning by displaying my shrewish nature. You can't really blame me. I had thought that I was free of all consequences, at least until I get a clean bill of health. But Roger says that we are waiting for a serious spanking. The switching, which will be severe, must be postponed, but I am perfectly capable of taking a mild to moderate spanking.

He even said that a few licks with the switch aren't out of question right now either. But no sex. Go figure. I'm well enough to be punished, but not well enough to enjoy making love to my husband. Sex is on hold until the doctor OKs it. Damn it.

I don't know what other DD husbands are like, but with Roger, once he's in a spanking frame of mind, his fuse gets significantly shorter. I usually end up getting not just one discipline spanking at a time, but usually two or three. That's because once he's spanked me for a transgression, he loses his sense of humor. Today was no exception. I began teasing him a bit, and ended up having to turn over and take several more swats. And these didn't stop just because I was behaving and not getting out of position or crying out. It seemed to go on forever.

He also broke with his usual stance on rubbing. I'm usually allowed to rub afterwards, but not this time. I swear, he's become much more dom-ish lately. He used to be a pretty laid-back man, only spanking or threatening a spanking, when I was clearly out of line. But I got threatened today for just asking where he had put my glasses after the punishment was over (we always take off my glasses for spankings, and he will put them aside for me). He wanted me to lie down in bed, and took away my ability to see so that I wouldn't be tempted to get up and go watch TV. Talk about strict.

And you know what? It feels wonderful. I've missed this connection and am glad to be back to our normal life - almost. I'm still a bit broken down, physically, but I feel less like an invalid now that I know that I can be punished, somewhat, for my actions. It felt freeing to be a non-spanko couple for a while, and I got away with defiances that I know he would not tolerate had I been well, but I am really glad to be back to DD. Even though my rear end wasn't too pleased with the results.

Zelda

Mea Culpa

2008-09-19T19:02:00.003-04:00

In the comments section of my last post, Sara wrote:

“Zelda, I have to tell you that I do not think your husband has 'gone vanilla' on you. What he has done is call your bluff and ask, "Do you want to live a DD lifestyle or not?" DD is not when you feel like it, just in the way you choose, with what you allow. If you decide to hand over authority and the right to decide punishment, then you do it all the way. … It takes closing your eyes and taking a leap of faith and assuming he will indeed catch you.”

She makes a very legitimate point, and I was forced by her blunt words to take notice and really think over what was happening between me and Roger. I know many of you are wondering what was decided, and I am happy to report that I eventually told Roger that I would submit to anything he asked of me and that I did, indeed, want a DD relationship.

As Sara pointed out, this means leaving the decisions up to him, which is very difficult for me, but is also what I’ve said I’ve wanted. I just couldn’t submit to his will, and the switch downright terrified me. It’s something I will have to work through, since I have a devil of a switching coming my way once the doctor tells me I am fully recovered from surgery. But I am very happy about my decision. This is how things need to be between Roger and me, and I can’t really imagine it any other way. What I think happened is that I lost my mind during that one night Roger had planned to switch me, and I fought him like crazy on it, not thinking about the consequences. Then, rather than face the music, I refused to submit to future switchings, which made the whole issue spin out of control. As for threatening to call 911, Sara said,

“I do have to say I was truly bothered to read your threat to call 911. Frankly, my question is not if you should trust Roger but, at this point, if he should trust you. Our men put their faith in us that we will not bring down the law on them for doing what we have asked of them, what we say we need.”

Exactly. And I will be held fully accountable for this mistake when I am finally punished for this entire snafu. I don’t mean to downplay what I did by calling it a mere “mistake.” I know that threat was out of line. I knew it pretty much right after I made it. There is no excuse for it, and it will take a long while for me to be completely forgiven on this one. It’s not something that will go away with just a spanking. Roger, if you’re reading this, please know that I WILL NEVER THREATEN TO CALL 911 AGAIN. I mean NEVER. This was beyond the pale and I fully acknowledge that.

Sara’s comments highlighted what I already knew and regretted, but simply feeling regret is not enough. I know it will take a while to rebuild the trust on this issue. Luckily, I have a husband who is willing to forgive me, as crazy as I can get sometimes. Incidentally, he KNEW I would come around on the DD issue. The reason? He said he knew that I “NEED” DD and that I am fully aware of how insufferable I am without it. He said, in effect, that I would have to come around because I knew my behavior would create problems in our marriage without DD. And he wasn’t kidding here. I have a terrible temper, can be quite stubborn (as Daisy pointed out in her comments), and am a genuine witch when I get into my bad moods. And yet he still loves me. What did I do to get such an incredible husband who loves me despite such glaring flaws? Like I said earlier, I’m very lucky.

To address Sara’s remaining comments, she wrote,

“I would never want to be switched. It sounds awful, and I might beg my husband not to. I would sincerely tell him that I feel it is beyond my limits. I would think he would honor that because we do respect each other's boundaries. I believe 100% he always has what he thinks is my best interest at heart. Thus, if for whatever reason he decided to use a switch anyway, I would do my best to handle it, and would indeed submit. I know it would be hard, but that is what I promised, after all. That's the deal we made. He leads, I follow, and we can disagree, but he gets the final say. Taking that back because I don't like what he has to say is really not fair.”

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Yes, I am terrified of what I have coming, yes, I know it will be painful, but I also know that this is what I’ve signed on for and what I NEED from Roger. If we had moved forward without clearing the air with the switching I earned, there would have been a lot of unresolved anger on his part as well as a huge amount of guilt on mine. This switching, although I didn’t want to believe it, is 100% necessary and I actually wish we could do it right away, just to get it behind us.

But in a way, I deserve to have it hanging over me, the way I had this whole issue hanging over Roger while he waited for my decision. It’s fitting, I suppose. And even if I felt I DIDN’T deserve the switching, I would use the opportunity to submit with grace, since I agreed to take whatever he dishes out from now on. That’s going to be really tough, since he and I disagree a lot on what deserves punishment and what doesn’t, but I finally have come around to accepting that it is HIS DECISION. I have said that in the past, but when push came to shove, I didn’t accept it. I hope to God that this will help me get past it for good.

Roger says that what I have coming will be the worst I’ve ever gotten. And I’ve taken some really bad spankings in the past. I can only imagine what’s in store. The waiting makes it worse. But it’s all very much deserved and I’m not complaining.

He’s been reading this blog regularly since the whole switch issue surfaced. Not just to see where my head is, but to read all of your comments as well. Sara, I believe you will get one more devoted blog reader out of all of this. I was already a fan, having discovered your site several months before I started my own blog. But Roger has promised to keep up with your exploits, since, in his exact words, “Sara is such a GOOD girl!”

My only regret in all of this is that I may have lost the respect of many of you readers out there. I suppose that is deserved as well, but please remember that this was a difficult time for me, and I chose to share it. I have been tempted in the past to write only about the easy stuff, the fun stuff, and the aspects of our relationship that are positive, while ignoring the negatives. Let’s be honest, folks, NO ONE has a perfect marriage. It takes work, and part of that work is getting through times like what I am going through. It’s not pretty, and I’m not proud of my past behavior, but all I can do now is own up to it and try to move on. With Roger’s help.

He’s on his way to forgiving me, so I hope all of you guys out there will as well. I really am trying to be the best person I can be. My evil side just gets in the way sometimes.

My best wishes to all,
Zelda

Stubborn, stubborn man

2008-09-12T16:59:00.002-04:00

I’m married to a very stubborn man. We finally had the talk about switches. It went rather calmly, with not even a single shout.

I don’t know if I’m relieved that we’ve reached a resolution or saddened by what the resolution is. Roger refuses to bend even an inch on this.

He says if we’re doing DD, we’re going to do it completely. Which he takes to mean that it is up to him to decide how, when and with what I am punished, while it is my job to trust him and submit to his decision.

I see his point, really I do, but I just can’t stand switches and think that this is the time for exceptions to be made. It’s kind of like a child, who may not get to decide how he or she is punished, but the parent is tuned in enough to know that a particular punishment is just way too harsh for this particular child. Roger doesn’t think it’s too harsh. At all.

In fact, he even let me in on why he’s been using the switch a lot more lately. He says it’s because I’ve gone and “drawn a line in the sand,” telling him that he CAN’T use the switch. What that does is make him much more likely to use it in order to show me it’s a bad idea to top from the bottom.

Just between you and me, my dear blog readers, I can really see his point. It would take away something from our dynamic if he gave in to me. I would actually feel like he had gone soft. But regardless of that, I still can’t wrap my mind around getting a switching. I just want to make sure that that never happens again.

He says if I can’t give him total authority to punish as he sees fit, then the DD dynamic seems fake to him, and he’d rather not do it at all than do it half-heartedly. So either I submit to the switch whenever he thinks I deserve it, or no spanking AT ALL. Not even the fun kind or the erotic kind, which he’s taking away just for spite. See what I mean? Stubborn, stubborn man.

And the funny thing is that he’s almost never stubborn. This is one of the most patient, easygoing doms you’ll ever meet. I have no idea why he’s chosen to dig in his heels over this issue.

And I haven’t even gotten to the worst part yet. If I choose to continue with DD, I still have a switching coming to me from a few weeks back when I fought him and wouldn’t let him punish me. I will have to submit to that before we can move forward with a clean slate.

He also wants a contract signed, detailing all of this and delineating his authority to punish me and my obligation to accept the punishments. Obviously, this would not be a legal document, but still. He wants it in order to have something to point to later on when I fight this issue again. He can tell me that I agreed to this.

But I don’t think I’m going to agree to it. I just can’t. Which means, most likely, that DD is over for us. This is really very sad. Especially given that this blog is entirely about that aspect of our relationship. I’ll have to come up with something else to write about. Then all of you will get bored and leave me. Very, very sad.

Another thing: He has reserved the right to keep me from smoking and monitor what I eat, even if I chose to give up DD. He would use non-corporal punishment for those, such as grounding me to my bed. He did that the last time I smoked. I was made to lie down in the dark and just stay there with nothing to do and no company. It’s an awful punishment, since it drags on for hours, unlike a spanking which is over very quickly.

So it looks like we’re turning vanilla. I tried offering him Bonnie’s suggestions for a compromise, but he refused both of them. He keeps referring to his plan as a “compromise,” even though I repeatedly pointed out that the whole point of a compromise is give and take, and he hasn’t done any giving on this one, so it’s NOT A COMPROMISE. He still calls it that, no matter how many times I correct him.

Pity me. First my health fails me, then my husband decides to go vanilla on me. What’s a girl to do?

More HoH than normal

2008-09-09T14:58:00.003-04:00

Even though he can't spank, Roger has become much more HoH than he usually is during my illness.

First off, let me start by saying he is not the type to make arbitrary rules and then enforce them just for the sake of exerting his authority. I believe I mentioned in a previous post that we have only one real rule, and that's a particular word I'm not allowed to say. Roger is not big on being an enforcer.

Nor is he a sadist. There are a lot of men out there like that, and I have noticed that they lean towards DD relationships, since they then have the option to inflict real pain on their partner as "punishment." I trust that the best DD relationships are about personal growth rather than about the spankings, but to each his own. It's just not my thing to be spanked for no good reason. There are sexy spankings, stress spankings, and other non-disciplinary spankings, but if I'm being spanked hard, for punishment, I better have done something wrong.

So spanking serves a useful purpose in our relationship. We've taken breaks from DD before, but this last break is a bit different in that neither of us wants it. I was so stressed before my surgery that a spanking would have been a welcome catharsis. Roger, too, has mentioned that if I were well, I would be worn out on a nightly basis, because I'm driving him a bit bonkers with my stress levels and such. I was especially a mess during the weeks of nausea when we had no idea what was wrong with me and had to put off the surgery for that. It's been a difficult time.

So you would think that our relationship would suffer. But it hasn't. Aside from the switch argument, which hasn't come up in several days, we are bonding more than ever. I think one of the reasons for this is because Roger made it a point to take off from work and spend time with me during my recovery. With me off from work as well, this turned into almost a vacation together. I can't remember the last time we had this much leisure time with just the two of us.

But another reason for the closeness is something I never would have expected. Roger has become more dom since I got sick. Not by spanking me, but in other, more subtle, ways. And, personally, I think the subtler ways are much more sexy.

For example, he's started deciding what I will eat. I lost about 40 pounds, all told, during this illness, and my eating habits weren't very healthy to begin with. Since I no longer take a big interest in my meals, Roger has started deciding for me, even placing orders for me at restaurants. Back in the day, I would never have stood for this: Food was too much of a pleasure to risk getting something I didn't want. But my meds make pretty much everything taste like sand (remember the food Charles Wallace ate in a Wrinkle in Time? Everything looked delicious, but tasted awful. That's what I'm dealing with.), so it's easy to let him choose. But then he insists on HOW much I eat as well. We've had arguments about this, but on the whole, I find it a major turn-on that he cares about whether I'm eating enough.

Then there was the night I was admitted to the hospital. The nausea had peaked this day, after having been with me for a week, and I hadn't gotten around to telling my doctor about the sickness. At this point, I still thought it was a bug and would pass. I was also scheduled for surgery the next week and didn't want to do anything that would jeapordize that. I kind of had a feeling they would make me cancel the surgery and I had waited so long for the surgery that I didn't want to upset the boat.

Well, Roger and I talked about it, he said "I'm putting my foot down on this," insisting I go to the ER. I was feeling AWFUL at the time, and was in no shape to drive to the corner store, let alone the ER. To give you an idea how weak I felt, all I had eaten that week was a bowl of vegetable soup. The hunger, nausea and weakness all combined made me just want to curl up in bed and forget about the world.

But Roger insisted and somehow I managed to make it to the ER, where they finally started doing some tests and were able to give me something that worked (albeit temporarily) on the nausea. Later that evening, I was eating again.

But the "I'm putting my foot down" really turned me on. I knew he wouldn't spank me in that condition, but it still was sexy. Roger's never been the type to exert authority that way. If he insists on something, he usually backs it up with reasonable arguments and such until I get won over to his side. In this instance, he knew I was being unreasonable (How reasonable can a sick person be? It feels miserable), so he resorted to HoH. I love that.

And then there are the little threats. Without being able to spank, Roger has to resort to verbal threats, which are waaaay sexier than a spanking sometimes, since you can listen to them over and over again in your head. A spanking is just an abstract idea in your mind, but the threat of a spanking is like a favorite CD you keep hearing over and over. I've gotten tons of threats. All of them begin with "When I can finally spank you again...." It's pretty yummy.

The only problem with all of this is that it's going to be a while before I can actually get spanked. And about that long before I get a sexual release as well. So here I am getting all turned on by my dominant man, and there's nothing we can do about it. A pretty big downside. But at least I'm healthy enough to be writing about it again. I can sublimate all those feelings into this blog, thus getting them all out at least.

Think it'll help? Me neither.

Saving myself from switches

2008-09-07T18:21:00.003-04:00

I'm getting there. My surgery went smoothly last week and I am almost back to my old self. The nerves down my leg may have been damaged a bit over the last few months, so we will have to wait and see if the feeling returns. Right now, it's rather numb and I'm still worried, even though the surgeon says it could take months for the feeling to return. Cautiously optimistic is how Roger would phrase what we're feeling.

On the Roger front, there's a slight bit of tension over the whole DD thing. First of all, let me say he's been wonderful through these months when my health deteriorated and while I was waiting to get the surgery. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive husband and I feel very, very lucky to have him. BUT....

I don't ever want to be spanked with a switch again. EVER. I got it for smoking, as you all know, some time back, and that was the last spanking I got. He's holding off on punishments until I am recovered. And I know I deserved to be spanked that time, but I just don't see how I could do anything that was bad enough to justify the amount of pain a switch generates. Maybe I'm a wimp, but I just hate the idea.

Roger isn't backing down on this. When I was going through the whole nausea thing, I earned a spanking with a switch, according to Roger, and he was going to deliver it. I fought him like crazy. And locked him out of our bedroom for hours. We finally called a truce and he realized I was too sick to spank when I got so bothered by all of the hoopla that I threw up and essentially collapsed. But he said the issue hadn't been resolved and that he owed me a switch.

I think I should have a say in this. In fact, I KNOW I should have a say in this. We've been talking, quarelling and bickering over this for so long now and still haven't gotten anywhere. I even told him that I would give up DD entirely if he didn't compromise on the switch. He still won't yield and he thinks that I'm going to change my mind. I won't. There's no earthly reason for that much pain. It's just mean. You know?

Anyway, I'm banned from discussing this further. He says we will talk about the issue soon enough, but he wants a break from it. I don't see what there is to discuss. He still has the wicked back scratcher. He has to have my consent for this to work. I honestly think I would call 911 over a switch. I really don't want it ever again, and if I feel that strongly about it, he should yield, right? We still aren't getting anywhere with this. I even feel like I'm not getting anywhere with this post. It's like running in circles. With a switch chasing behind me. Ugh.

Feel free to weigh in on this issue. Legally, of course, he can't do it without my consent. I bet a lot of you think I'm a bad DD wife for bringing up the legality issue, but just because I like getting spanked doesn't mean that I have to accept EVERY implement my husband wants to use. What if he wanted to use a baseball bat? I know no one would support him on that. So why can''t I nix a switch? I just hate them. HATE THEM.

It boils down to a communication issue. He knows I don't want the switch and why, yet he still wants to use one. He says he needs to have something in his arsenal that really scares me, or else the DD is meaningless. I disagree. Guys, I really don't want to call 911, but I will if I have to protect myself. He, hopefully, wouldn't let it get to that. But I think he thinks I'm bluffing on this.

That night when I refused to let him spank me, I was physically struggling against him with all of my strength. I used fists, nails, teeth, anything I could to get him off me. And it worked. But it shouldn't have come to that. He says if I had taken that spanking, it would have been a little one, not too bad, but I escalated it to the point where he has to punish me for resisting. I agree that he should do that, just not with a switch.

Any guys out there reading this? Why would he refuse to honor this one request? I know I'm wrong for bringing up 911. I hate that it comes to that, but what other option do I have when he won't listen to me? When he thinks that it's ok to spank me with something I really don't want, because that's what makes this DD real and not pretend? I see the point to that, but it still doesn't change the fact that I think a switch is waaaayyyy too harsh. Inhuman, even.

His parents spanked him with a switch. He's a Southern boy, and I know the switch plays heavy in his fantasies, even though he has never spoken about it. He really likes switches. But he pretty much laid off them for most of the early part of our marriage, since he knew I disliked them so much. It was the nuclear option: Something he used to let me know I had crossed a line. And I understood why he used it when he caught me smoking. I kind of was OK with that, initially, as well.

But once he used the switch once, he wanted it again. And the next time he threatened to use the switch, the time I fought him, it was over a much more minor transgression. I'm not going to go into it right now, but trust me when I say that it wasn't in the same league as smoking behind his back. And that's why I rebelled. By the end of the night, I suppose, I might have deserved a severe spanking, perhaps even a switch, but initially, there was no call for it.

And that's why I want the switch banned from his arsenal. He can't use it for little things, because it's too evil. I understand if he used it only for big things, really, really big things, but I'm not sure he can control that. Roger sometimes gets harsher than he intends to get. He can get carried away. I don't mind that so much with a belt, or other implement. But I just can't handle a switch.

I had never been spanked with a switch until I met Roger. One of our first weekends together, we went to the woods and cut some switches because I was curious about how they felt. After I found out, we pretty much steered clear of them, until recently. I have been spanked maybe 10-15 times total with a switch. If I knew that it would only be about that much over the next decade we spend together, I might be able to handle not banning them, but I really don't think he's going to stop using them. Especially since he will often say, when watching television or a movie, that so and so needs a spanking with a switch. He is almost always thinking of that as the ultimate punishment. And if that's the case, then he is going to want to use it way too much.

And they are so damn abundant over here. We live in the woods, which means he will never run out. I hate that.

Am I wrong? I know I crossed a line by bringing up the legality of all of this. It's a dominant man's worst nightmare to be threatened with the police, but how should I have handled this to let him know how serious I was about this? It's not the same as dreading the back scratcher. I really despise switches and there's no way in hell to hide them all from him. I can't exactly rid the world of switches. If I could, believe me, I would.

So if he's not going to listen to me, what do I do? It shouldn't have to come to this. He should be willing to bend on this, right? Or am I the one who should bend? I just can't handle switches.

Working on getting my strength back

2008-08-30T00:13:00.002-04:00

Hi again. Yes, it’s really me. And yes, I’m still alive. I’m sorry to have been gone for so long, but essentially, my health took a rapid nosedive a few weeks ago and I’m just beginning to recover. I’m not even sure what was wrong, but my doctor was worried enough to cancel my surgery until she could determine what was happening. But if all goes well, I should be having the surgery next week and on the road to recovery. Then you’ll see me back in full force. Promise.

I really want to thank everyone who posted on here or sent e-mails asking how I was. I haven’t yet been able to respond to any of them personally, but I will once I’m back on my feet. For now, Roger is checking my messages and this blog for me so I know when people write to me. He actually insisted that I write something – anything – so that all of you know that I really am ok, just worn out from all of the hard work I’ve been doing recovering.

Like I said, they still don’t know what is causing this, but I have been having periodic bouts of EXTREME nausea. I was hospitalized a few weeks back when it got so bad I was on the verge of being dangerously dehydrated, since I threw up everything I ate or drank. Nausea medicine that they prescribed did nothing for me. The doctors suspected everything from an ulcer to kidney stones (even though there wasn’t much abdominal pain, it was possible because I’m on opiates to control the back pain, so if I were in severe pain, I wouldn’t know it). The ulcer was Roger’s guess too, since I was throwing up black stuff that looked like blood for a while (forgive me if that was too graphic).

Long story short, I’ve lost 15 pounds, am thinner than I was in college, and still slightly queasy. I’m not vomiting anymore, so I can have my surgery next week, but I am just not in the mood to eat these days, which is keeping me pretty weak. I sleep a lot in my free time, too, because all of this drama has stressed Roger to the point that he has started snoring like a chainsaw and waking me up throughout the night. In summation, we’re both worn out, sleepy, stressed and more than a bit concerned about my health. I’m sure it’s not too serious, but I wish we could figure out what it is and treat it already. Four weeks of nausea is miserable.

Anyway, I will be posting again from time to time, if I can. I hope none of you worried too much, since I realize my last few posts were a bit melodramatic. I’m not dying, I’m nowhere near dying, and I have so much in my life to be grateful for, that I feel bad even talking about my health issues. They are so minor compared to what others face on a daily basis. An example: When I went to my neurosurgeon to discuss my spinal surgery there was a woman there who was crying after being diagnosed with a brain tumor.

How can I worry over some pinched nerves and nausea when there are people dealing with stuff like that? After seeing her, I was able to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I'm really ashamed to admit that I was doing that, but I guess we all have instances in which our self-centeredness prevails. I'm doing my best to keep that in check, with occasional help from Roger.

(By the way, I'm sure you're dying to know if I've been spanked since that last switching. Nope, but I've deserved it several times. Roger's keeping a tally and there's going to be hell to pay when I get healthy again .)

And speaking of cancer, I never want to see another cigarette again. The nausea makes even thinking about smoking impossible. And I’ve been gagging from second hand smoke lately. See? There’s a blessing in every situation. Even in perpetual nausea.

My love to all of you and thanks for the warm wishes and prayers. I feel overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from you people, especially since we are all, essentially, strangers to each other, having never met in person or talked on the phone. But I feel lucky to have you as my online friends.

Z.

Switched

2008-08-08T23:37:00.002-04:00

I can hardly sit up for this post, from my recent back pains. Forgive me for not posting more frequently, but my back is not holding out anymore. Hopefully it will be fixed within the month with surgery, but who knows how the recovery will go. But I will keep trying to write, because I really miss it, believe it or not.

I got punished last night, for the first time in ages, it seems. Due to my back, he's been rather careful. Both spankings and sex, it seems, were gone. Sex still is, unfortunately, but I'm not up for it much these days, regardless.

He used a switch, and it burned like crazy. I spoke to him today about it and he says he wanted it to sting even more than it did. My friends, I was screaming from it, and you know his rules about making noise. I struggled so much, I fell off his lap and had to return to position by the count of three or... Well, I don't know what would have happened if he had reached three, but I didn't want to find out.

Anyway, you probably are wondering what on earth I could have done to deserve this when I'm hardly in a condition to be spanked and after he's held off for so long. I'm sorry to admit that, in response to all that I've been going through lately, I began smoking again.

I bought the cigarettes behind his back when we were both at Walgreens a few days ago and had been smoking a few each day, by sneaking out onto the patio while he was in the shower or on the comuter. Before he threw them out last night, he counted the pack. I had smoked NINE of them before getting caught.

Know what gave my game away? He kissed me last night, and smelt it. I was on my way in to the bedroom to change, and he kissed me. I saw his expression change and he headed out towards the patio, telling me to go on and change. I thought he might be looking for cigarettes out there, and was relieved that he wouldn't find them, since they were hidden inside, but he wasn't going out to look for smokes. He was looking for switches. And he found a nasty one.

I handed over the pack after he was done with me, and I was reduced to a mess on the floor. Yes, I guess I deserved it, but it's been a very difficult time for me. In addition to all of my physical problems, my parents have been putting me through emotional dramas and dragging Roger into them as well. The nicotine crutch was very necessary and I regretted seeing him rip the cigarettes in half before tossing them in the trash. Since I'm no longer mobile on my own, I won't be able to replace them either. Yes, I know I shouldn't, especially since I've kicked the habit and want a baby, but good God. I want them. I hate being weak. Both from the addiction and the spinal saga. Lord, let me conquer both my problems and emerge unscathed from this mess.

I still have welts today and it's been over 24 hours.

Pray for me

2008-08-04T17:01:00.002-04:00

I can't type long, but my back has gone out again. Even the morphine doesn't help anymore, and there is nothing stronger they can give me. My insurance won''t pay for this "preexisting condition" surgery, so we are scrambling to round up every penny we can to pay for this costly procedure. I can't go on much more without it. I miss blogging, but I'm such a mess these days, none of you would find me much fun. I'm so scared this might mean no baby as well. My spine is too weak.

The "S" word

2008-07-21T13:38:00.002-04:00

What a weekend.

I was talking on the phone to my mom last night, and we started arguing and eventually fighting. The call ended with me hanging up on her. I don't often do this, but have on occasion, because when she gets riled up, she WON'T leave me alone, but goes on and on about whatever she's mad about like a broken record.

Anyway, Roger was in the next room and had heard the entire fight. As soon as he heard the conversation was over, he came in, led me to his side of the bed and pushed me over for a spanking. This had me in a panic, since I really didn't get why he was spanking me for a fight with my mother. My issues with her are between her and me, and shouldn't upset him. At least not to the point of spanking.

Raj then explained that my temper and moodiness lately affects him too, and if I go "picking fights" with my mom, it's only a matter of time before I'm yelling at him too. He then started spanking me really hard with his hand. Now I know most of you think a spanking with a man's hand doesn't hurt all that much, and you're right. With most men, I'm yawning through a hand spanking.

But when Roger does it for real, hard and fast, I will be screaming in minutes, even when I'm trying not to, since he hates it when I shout or move around during a spanking. This was a really bad spanking, as bad as they get, in fact.

Well, when he finally let me up, I was sobbing. He let me cry it out, then told me I should say the "S" word. Now, most of you out there probably have brains and know what he was talking about, but I didn't. I had no idea what he meant by the "S" word, unless for some reason he wanted me to say the REAL "S" word, so I did.

That's right, folks. I said "shit" to my spanko husband in the middle of a disciplinary spanking. You might think that this is a sign that he didn't spank me hard or long enough, since I was still being a smart ass, and that's exactly what he thought, but it wasn't true. I honestly thought that was what he wanted. When he (unfairly, I think) proceeded to give me another, hard and fast, hand spanking, I was shrieking the whole time. Somehow this spanking managed to force my brain into gear and I was screaming "Sorry!!!" over and over, hoping he'd let me up now that I've said the real "S" word he wanted me to say.

I know most of you think I must be an idiot for not guessing he wanted an apology, but I truly didn't think I had wronged him. I thought if anyone deserves an apology, it was my mom, not Raj, so it just didn't occur to me to apologize. By the time I was through crying out that second spanking, he had led me to the living room and made me pick up the phone to call my mom back and apologize, which I did, but only after he threatened me with the belt and then a switch. I really felt like I was justified in fighting with her, but he thought it was about 90% my fault we were arguing.

Later on, after I had phoned my mom and she asked to talk to Roger and he heard her going on and on about the fight, he said that maybe it was 70-30 instead of 90-10 my fault. At least that's a small vindication.

I now know exactly what he means when he asks for the "S" word. Whether I will give it to him or not when he demands it is anyone's guess.

Thanks to those of you who offered suggestions on my last post of going up to him and asking to be spanked for our arguments. While I appreciate the advice, I guess I wasn't too clear on what I was saying: I knew I deserved a spanking, but I still didn't want one, since it would have meant the backscratcher or switch. I was a bit surprised and confused by the fact that I didn't get spanked, but all in all, I was fine without it.

Later on, Roger told me he didn't spank me that time because I was out of control and he didn't want to add the drama of a spanking to my temper drama. He thought it best to just let me cool off and realize how foolish I was. The spanking, after that, wasn't necessary. My guilt was not overwhelming and I was able to live with it. C'est fini.

But here's a funny story: Roger made my doctor cry today.

I went to the dr. to get a prescription refill, and she and I were talking about my back problems. She then told me that Roger had won her heart the few times he had come in with me because of how concerned he was for my suffering. She said she could see that he was telling her "get my wife better, NOW." since he was so upset that I was in such agony. She said she had never seen a more attentive husband and then she began tearing up.

I know she recently got a divorce, and apparently her husband was not nearly as kind, sweet and loving as Roger is, so she wanted to let me know how lucky I am to have such a caring spouse. Truth be known, I already had my suspicions that I was pretty lucky, but it was really great to hear it from someone else.

I hugged her, told her to hang in there, that she would find someone right for her too, not to give up since they ARE out there. I also thanked her for saying such kind things about my husband.

Sometimes it really helps to hear things like that. I know I'm lucky, when I think about it, but it's all too easy to take someone like Roger for granted. When someone else points out our blessings, we are able to see our lives from the outside in, and the view from out there is a lot more telling. I need to remember to be thankful every day for this wonderful man .... even when he's wielding an implement. (Or maybe BECAUSE he is wielding an implement!!!)

Z.

Deciding not to spank

2008-07-18T15:47:00.002-04:00

Roger and I have been fighting a bit.

Two nights ago, I lost my temper and was fairly out of control. Roger went stonewall on me, and ignored my fit until I went to bed. By the time I woke up the next day, I was sorry, and said so.

And you know what he did? He forgave me. Just like that.

Later in the day, I asked him if he planned to punish me. And he said, no. That he wanted me to live with my own guilt on this one.

Is that allowed? I thought the whole point of this type of relationship was so that we didn't have to deal with stonewalling and guilt. I thought that he was OBLIGATED to spank me when I did something wrong.

Can you believe it? Here I am wanting a spanking (knowing that if I got one, it would be with the backscratcher or a switch), and he has the nerve to decide not to spank me!

But wait a minute...

If the situation were reversed, and it was he who wanted to spank me and I didn't want to get spanked, I would still get spanked. Against my will. And even though I didn't agree with it, I would be OK with it, since we decided early on that it's up to him to decide when to spank me.

It's up to him to decide when to spank me. Which means he can decide NOT to spank me, even if I want him to, and I have no authority to make him do it my way.

In some ways, it's harder to submit when it's something like this. It's a lot harder not to tell him, "Honey, I know you decided not to spank me, but I know what I need better than you do, so I'm going to veto that decision and insist that you go ahead and spank me. Right now!!!"

I guess that's as shrewish as telling him not to do it, but I can't help myself here. It makes me feel almost like I'm not worth the effort in his eyes. Even though I know that this is just one of his silly mind games, and even though I know he hasn't hesitated to spank me in the very recent past.

Maybe he wants me to overthink this and go a bit nuts? Maybe that's part of his intended "live with the guilt" thing.

I don't know. But there's one very unspanked woman sitting over here.

Till next time,
Z.

It's been a while

2008-07-14T15:29:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last post. My back troubles started acting up again, and when that happens, I need to stay away from computers. I hate it, but hopefully all will be resolved with this upcoming surgery.

I've been spanked quite a bit lately as well. Mostly warnings, since I get very grumpy when my back hurts. There was a time when the pain was so bad I actually used to growl! But those times are over, for now. I'm on some powerful medications which I hate taking, but they make me better, so it's the only choice. You would think that a pain reliever this strong would at least give me a happy buzz, but alas, the only side effect I get is that my food tastes terrible. Pretty much everything I eat tastes too salty and too spicy. You know you've got problems when your mouth is on fire from a bite of Oreos!!!

I guess the plus side to all of this is that I've lost weight. I'm about 5 pounds away from what I used to weigh in college, which is incredible.

But, ironically, the sex has gotten more frequent. We have to adjust positions, now and then, to accomodate the pain, but I am still able to enjoy it and relax enough to have an orgasm. Or two. And here's something I noticed years ago, but would like to discuss with all of you now: Spankings don't hurt immediately after an orgasm.

Maybe it's just me, but when Roger flips me over in the middle of sex, often right after I've climaxed, I don't feel the pain. And he can also tickle my feet at this time and it won't bother me a bit. Does anyone know why this might be true? I suspect endorphins are released, but am not a biologist, so I have no clue. And it's not exactly coffee cake conversation to share with my other girlfriends, so Raj and I are pretty much in the dark on this one.

Also, I don't know about all of you, but I've never felt a spanking more than a few hours. There may be a few tender spots the next day, but that's really really rare. So how is it that we often hear of women being spanked so hard they can't sit for days? I suspect this is an exaggeration, because I KNOW I have been spanked as hard as is humanly possible at times; Roger's often stopped for fear of doing damage. And I never get to feel it for days. Or a week.

Am I made of sturdier stuff than these other women? Or are they simply exaggerating a wee bit? Someone, please let me in on the secret if there's one being kept! I would love to feel a spanking for days. It would remind me of Roger all day and all week, which would keep me feeling sexy as well. How can we do this without destroying skin or causing permanant harm to my posterior? Or do I need to give up on the idea of achieving this, much like I gave up on believing in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy when I was in the third grade?

'till next time,
Z.

I'm still around

2008-07-07T16:46:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately. I promised myself when I started this blog that it wasn't going to be one of those blogs where I post something once every blue moon, if at all. I think, in general, I've done a pretty good job of keeping you all posted on the latest and greatest relationship news.

I have spankings to report and owe you a really lengthy post. The problem is that I just can't get my mind out of its latest funk. I'm not depressed or anything like that, just in a bit of a haze since I'm going on a few weeks' worth of very little sleep. I need to catch up. Hopefully tonight. Once I'm back on track, I promise some more stories of life in Zelda world. I hope you will all keep coming back and reading.

Z.

Water woes

2008-06-27T13:09:00.002-04:00

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my last post or e-mailed me. The consensus out there seems to be: Don't worry. While I'm sure all of you are wise to suggest that, let me just say that it's easier said than done. When I was diagnosed with PCOS last year, I pretty much assumed I would never have kids of my own. We discussed all of the possibilities, from in vitro to adoption, and I was prepared to take a ton of drugs. The news this week is wonderful, but it's a bit tough to accept, since I've been so sure that I WOULDN'T have kids, that it's now a bit surprising to learn that that may not be the case. Que sera, sera.

Anyway, on to bigger issues. Last night our water heater broke, only we didn't know that that was the case. All we knew was that our basement and downstairs den were flooding at an unbelievable pace. I took one look at my beautiful den, which now resembled a small pond, and did the only reasonable thing: I panicked. I whined. I stressed out myself (and my husband) over this little incident, making it into the biggest thing in the world. I had him calling all-night plumbers only to find that even though they advertise 24 hour service, they won't pick up the phone when it rings at 2 a.m.

Roger tried to explain to me that this was hardly a disaster. That the plumber would come in the morning and everything would be fixed. (It was.) But I didn't hear any of that. All I knew was that my new flooring was now soaked. And we all know what water damage can do to a house's foundation. Never mind that we caught it right away and that Roger was able to get most of the water up with his shop vac. No. This was definitely the time to lose all perspective and start crying (almost).

I know what you're thinking. I was thinking it too. That last night was a perfect opportunity for a spanking. But guess what? I didn't get one.

I read a lot of online blogs in which the authors lament the fact that their husbands never spank them when they think they need it. These women commit to a DD lifestyle with their mates and hand over the control to their men, expecting a spanking each and every time they act up. But I find this sort of complaining a bit hypocritical, actually.

We handed over control. We left it up to our husbands to decide when we needed to be spanked. This means that they can decide spank us when we don't think we deserve it, but it also means that they can choose NOT to spank us, even if we think we have it coming. It's not up to us, and as soon as we can accept that, DD goes a lot smoother.

I've been surprised over the years what Raj spanks for and what he doesn't. Once, I totalled my car on the interstate, endangering myself and others by not paying attention. I completely expected a spanking, and even got one. But you know what? He told me later that the spanking was mostly because I expected one. If it had been up to him, he wouldn't have spanked in that instance, mostly because I knew what I had done and was really mad at myself over it.

But then there are the spankings I don't think I deserve. These are so numerous, I can't really name them all, but if you look back at my post entitled "You talk of wanting DD all the time ..." that's a perfect example.

Anyway, I just wanted to put in my two cents on that topic. I think the hardest part of this lifestyle is giving up control, and I struggle with it every day as well. But we should at least be honest when we post our blogs and admit that we are in the wrong here. It just isn't up to us. No matter how much we think we know better than those dolts we call our husbands!

Personally, I think I would function best if I got a spanking every night. Roger and I don't believe in maintenance spankings, but he is a big fan of the "just because" spanking. I can ask for one anytime. But it just isn't the same when you ask. I don't believe in bratting (too much), but sometimes that's the only way to get a little attention! I like the idea of pranks.

Once, I put red food coloring into Roger's lemon/lime gatorade. It looked just like the fruit punch flavor. He poured it, drank it, then did a double take. It was a great joke! Apparently, it was disconcerting to drink that even after he knew what I did. Seeing the red color, his brain expected the red flavor, but got the lemony taste instead. I also turned the milk green that day. I don't remember if I got spanked for that or not. I certainly think I deserved it.

But, of course, it wasn't up to me.

Great news!

2008-06-24T18:14:00.002-04:00

I saw my OB/GYN today and he said that if I keep taking such good care of my health, there's a possibility that I could conceive naturally, rather than with all of those potent hormone treatments. I am thrilled, since the idea of getting a shot every day for a week just plain disgusts me. I know that everyone hates needles, but I think I'm exceptionally sensitive to them. I've been known to tremble during injections and have even come close to fainting.

When I told Raj about this, he gave me the customary "That's great" response, but I don't think this means as much to him as it does to me. He won't even touch the pregnancy guides I've been reading, let alone thumb through them or read them. It's just not manly to care about this sort of thing, I guess.

One thing I've read on the Taken in Hand site is that, after a woman gets knocked up, her mate feels even more dominant. I suppose it has something to do with knowing his little sperm guys really can swim and fertilize my little girl egg. Whatever the reason, I'm looking forward to pregnancy sex. I hear that the hormones can make you very orgasmic. I'm already pretty lucky in that department, but I'll take any bonus orgasms any day if they're being offered.

We won't be able to start trying until after my surgery in a couple of months, but I'm already reading up on it. Any help from you moms out there will be appreciated as well once the pregnancy gets under way. The books are kind of scary, actually. I'm sure not everyone has all of the symptoms listed, but if I even have a few, I'm not sure if I'll be able to cope! I suppose if I'm doing it for the baby, it's a lot easier. For example, I was NEVER able to quit cigarettes before, but now, with the thought of a baby on the way, I've been cigarette-free for nearly 5 months (except for that one little one last week, but that was Raj's fault, remember? Besides, it won't happen again. I won't allow the addiction to rule over me after today's wonderful news)

The pregnancy symptoms that worry me the most are insomnia (I've always had trouble falling asleep and I hate it. The mere thought that this could get worse for nine months is enough to keep me up at night!), back pain (again, this is something I already suffer from, so I really don't want it getting any worse) and nausea. I know that morning sickness goes away for most people by the third month, but nausea has to be the most terrible feeling ever. I'd take pain over queasiness any day. Except for pain from a shot. That I can't stand.

And I also hear I'm going to be exhausted ALL the time. Great. Like I don't get tired enough already. I guess it take a lot of work to make a baby, so I'll be wiped out from all of that hard labor.

And speaking of labor, that's a pretty scary thought as well. I'm probably going to be one of those moms who demands an epidural right away, along with any opiates and narcotics they are willing to hand over. It's not that I'm a wimp or anything, it's just that the idea of another human being coming out of there just seems unnatural. I know, it's the most natural thing in the world, yadda yadda yadda, but for me, I think the best way to ensure that I look back on my baby's birthday with fondness rather than disgust is to make sure that I'm not shrieking my head off from the agony. Call me a bad person, but I don't see the point of refusing pain meds if they're offered.

How about those of you who were in DD relationships while you were preggers? Did you ever get spanked? Was it safe? If not, did you get punished in other ways? I am such an emotional roller coaster now, I have no idea how frightful I'll become once I have those juicy child-making hormones pulsing through my veins. Roger is afraid that I'll become an unbearable monster and he won't have any recourse, since we wouldn't want to harm the baby.

I wrote to Doc Tsai and asked his advice on being spanked during pregnancy. Here's what he wrote back:

"Of course your own doctor knows your situation best. But in general, the risks to a pregnancy come from blows directed at the abdomen, not elsewhere. If your husband spanks you, that's not going to carry in to the baby. "

I guess if a doctor says it's ok, it must be, but I still feel nervous about it. And one of the pregnancy guides says if you;re thinking of doing something that you might later blame for a miscarriage, you probably shouldn't do it, even if others say it's safe. If I miscarried, and I had been spanked (I'm not talking light taps on the behind, I mean a REAL spanking), I would definitely blame the spanking. And I'd feel terrible. So we most likely will avoid corporal punishment during those months. Poor Raj. He'll have to put up with crazy, emotionally charged Zelda for almost a year and he won't have any recourse!

But I'll be the one who really suffers. Get this: For the entire pregnancy, I won't be able to eat sushi!!! How terrible is that?

The erotic element in massages

2008-06-20T15:32:00.003-04:00

I have had a bad back ever since a car accident several years ago. There are discs degenerating, bulging and herniating. At least four of them are known to be pressing against nerves, causing a whole bunch of pain. While this troubles me quite a bit, we have learned to work around it with our play. Raj will sit on the bed and drape me over one leg, with my upper body and torso supported by the bed. His other leg scissors my legs to keep me from kicking, unless it's a punishment, in which case, it's up to me to keep my whole body still.

There used to be a time for us when I could lie otk, with him in a chair, a delicious position, which I miss. But we do fine as we are now, and although I miss the old way, the new ones work well and I can't really complain. So many people have it so much harder than we do, I'm not going to let a little back pain bring me down.

And the bad back has its perks, too. Because of the aches, I don't feel guilty about scheduling a full body, one-hour massage once a week. It's deliciously indulgent, but absolutely necessary to relive the soreness. At least that's my spin on it.

But here's the funny part: Roger LOVES it when I get a massage. I will come home, still covered in oil, and he will run his hands up my legs, under my skirt, and scrutinize my skin for traces of oil. Depending on how high the massage therapist went, Roger will get more and more excited. It thrills him that another man was touching me in intimate areas and he has an excuse to spank me for it.

My latest therapist goes all the way up my leg, right to the crotch area, and leaves no portion of my backside untouched. Please understand: this is necessary. Most of my sciatic pinch travels the groin area, the buttocks and the legs, so once a week, he needs to knead these areas in order to relieve the pain. But Roger can imagine him touching me here, and gets hot thinking that his woman has really earned a thorough spanking. Massage night usually becomes unbridled passion night, too.

I am always reminded of the very first massage I had after meeting Roger. This was many years ago, long before my car accident, and we were in India for a relative's wedding. Roger and I were sharing a hotel room and had the afternoon and evening free one day. I suggested we call the front desk and ask them to arrange for us each to get a massage. He was game, and they sent up a man.

Now Raj really prefers female massage therapists, but in India, all massages are given by men. I think it's because the women would be "compromised" if they touched naked men. It's a conservative culture, and women are very much protected from lecherous men. But regardless of why, it's just a male profession over there, and there was no way Raj was getting a female masseuse.

Well, they sent the guy up and he massaged us both. Roger got really turned on when the guy was working on me, and he even got to help out, learning a whole bunch of massage tricks at the same time. Lucky me!

When it was his turn, I sat in a chair and smoked cigarettes.

Here's the thing: In India, women don't smoke in public. And even in private, it's considered a "loose" thing to do. Years of a strict upbringing made me cringe whenever I smoked in India, but I was addicted, so I did it anyway, with a ton of guilt. I used to buy a huge number of packs to last me the whole trip, so I wouldn't get stares when buying them again and again. So, in the hotel room, there were a whole bunch of cigs laying about on the table.

The massage guy noticed this. While I smoked, he asked me if all of those cigarettes were mine. Ashamed, I lied. I said, No. They were Roger's. Roger was lying face down, so I couldn't see his expression, but he knew my whole cigarette/India phobia, and I figured he wouldn't mind my white lie. He remained quiet, so I decided I was correct in this assumption and forgot about the whole thing.

When the massage guy was leaving, Raj asked if we could keep the massage oil. The guy ended up selling it to us for what seemed a really cheap price, but was probably an exorbitant mark-up. But what the hell. We were on vacation, and dollars exchanged into rupees always works in our favor. I began to get really excited. Roger bought the massage oil!!! That meant I was getting another massage from him, right? Let me tell you right now: I was dead wrong.

As soon as the guy was out the door, Raj grabbed me, dragged me to the bed and hurled me across his lap (yet another thing we can't do post-car accident. Now he has to place me across gently, which can kill the mood a bit). I began to protest, "But what did I DO????!!!?"

Turns out Roger didn't appreciate my little lie about the cigarettes. That, coupled with his jealousy as the guy touched my naked body in front of him, made him want to spank the daylights out of me. Which he proceeded to do with gusto. Even spankings with just his hand can hurt like the dickens. I can only imagine what people in the next door room were thinking as they heard me getting spanked. Once it was done, and I was sobbing my apologies, he picked up the massage oil. Was he going to give me a massage to make up for the spanking? Nuh-uh.

The rest of the evening was spent alternating between Roger spanking me and having his way with me, anally. The oil was used as a lubricant. He asserted his dominance in every possible way, physically and emotionally. And let me tell you now, it was HOT! When we finally got around to having sex the normal way, I was orgasming in ways I never thought possible!

And since then, we always talk of that night as the night against which all sexual encounters must be measured. We have never managed to come even close to replicating the passion and dominance/submission of that night. It will be a night we remember until we both die. And it all started with a massage.

I have no idea why Raj enjoys my massages so much. It's partly jealousy: How dare another man touch my woman, but it's also a lot more. I think it brings out the Alpha male in him because he feels like he needs to protect me from whoever is "violating" me by touching me in that intimate way. I imagine if we had lived several hundred years ago, he would have challenged the massage guy to a duel to defend my honor or some such silly thing. But regardless of why it incites such strong emotions in him, I love it.

A massage would be a treat even without my husband's little quirk, but with it, massage night turns into wild sex night. Who wouldn't love that?

By the way, for some reason, it doesn't work when it's a woman massaging me. I used to see a female massage therapist, and Roger never felt the need to ravage me afterwards. I stuck it out with her, because she was an incredible masseuse, but when I had to switch therapists after she left the area, I instinctively chose a man. And this one is really, really good, too. So I'm a happy camper every Wednesday night.

Zelda

Resolution

2008-06-18T12:52:00.002-04:00

Thanks for all of the comments on the last post. Roger and I talked last night (he made the first move, AND he apologized), and he said that his bout of temper and the pouting were dur to a combination of lack of sleep (a common problem for us) and unresolved anger from our last fight.

I neglected to mention that we had a particularly nasty fight over my mother in law last weekend. I got pretty angry because I called him at work and he was on the phone with her. He told me he'd call me back, and I think that was unacceptable. This might sound petty to many of you, but my MIL has been causing a lot of problems in our marriage and I was really bothered that he hung up on me to talk to her. He said it was because he talks to me much more often than he does to her, but I still don't like it. And I was pretty venemous in that last fight, which is why he became distant.

Well, we managed to resolve both fights last night. He's going to try and make more of an effort to be at home so I don't feel neglected, and he promises never to hang up on me for her again!!! I feel pretty comfortable with this resolution, except for one part: I'm due to be spanked... with a switch.

I agree with him that I have this coming. Yesterday, for the first time in six months, I smoked a cigarette. I had quit with the new drug, Chantix, and had been doing really well. But I let yesterday's stress get to me, and threw six months down the drain. He had promised me about 250 whacks with a switch or the back scratcher if I slipped, so this is fair. I would have gotten it last night, except there was a lot of stuff to talk about and we stayed up very late as it was. I expect I'll get it either tonight or later this week. .

So, that's my news. I think we're moving in a positive direction. I'm still cautious about anything concerning my MIL, but I'm glad that he's on the same page as me and really wants to put in an effort to help get us over all of the damage she caused.

Zelda

Size DOES matter

2008-06-17T15:26:00.002-04:00

I'm going to try out something new. I want to post more often, but can never find the time. I think it's because my posts tend to be novel-length rants and those take a while to compose. Sooooo.... I'm going to try and write shorter posts, but write them more frequently. Size does matter, after all.

Today is not going well. I am in a fight with Roger and have no idea what he's mad about. I know what I'm mad about. He swore at me yesterday. I was getting something out of the trunk of his car and closed it, but apparently knocked something loose. He then swore a bluestreak at me, using the F word multiple times. If I had done that, we all know what would have happened, but it wasn't me, it was him. I don't like being talked to like that by ANYONE, let alone my husband. It's just not acceptable.

I can accept that he loses his temper sometimes, and even forgive it when he admits he was wrong, but why on earth is it so hard for him to apologize? He was clearly wrong. I may have made a mistake with his car, but it certainly wasn't on purpose, and it certainly didn't deserve his silent treatment for over 24 hours. His swearing, however, hurt my feelings. I don't want to talk to him when he gets like that, and I feel like I at least am owed an explanation. Instead, he's pouting. Over what, I have no idea.

DD is supposed to stop all this nonsense, but it doesn't. In theory, every fight should end in a spanking, but most of the time, when you're really mad, a spanking seems laughable. There often are fights that are too big for DD. I'm not sure that this is one of them, but I'm certainly not going to volunteer for a spanking when it SO CLEARLY is his fault. That may sound petty, but I don't care. He's wrong, I need an apology. It's that simple.

Zelda

Testing ... one, two, three

2008-06-11T21:34:00.002-04:00

About a year ago, Raj made an arbitrary rule. As a couple, we actually don't have any rules, at least not a list of "Zelda shall not do" this or that. Obviously, I am required to keep my temper under control, refrain from swearing, show my husband respect and so on, but we don't have any specific rules. Except for that one rule which Roger decided to make on a whim.

The rule forbids me from using a particular word. It's an everyday, non-swear word, and there's no reason at all for Roger to dislike the word. I'm supposed to use a synonym for the word, and each time I use it, it makes me feel very submissive, since I am following a rule that was made just for me. Let me be clear here: I am not allowed to use the forbidden word at ANY time, whether Roger is with me or not.

In the beginning, I got punished quite a bit for forgetting the rule. Back then, Roger was enjoying a different type of spanking, and my punishments for breaking this rule were often across my palms, rather than my derriere, as they usually are. Roger discovered that those "Slim Jim" processed meat snacks may not be very good for eating, but are excellent implements for smacking a trembling palm. They deliver quite a sting across a bare backside as well, but the effect is particularly noteworthy when punishing a penitant paw.

So eventually, I learned. The rule was enforced consistently, and I abandoned that particular word and felt a tiny thrill of submissiveness each and every time I used the synonym. Especially when Roger wasn't there, since I felt like super sub for obeying him in a situation which he most likely won't hear about and in which it would it do no harm if I were to disobey. I obeyed because I chose to obey, because I chose to give him that power over me. And it felt wonderful whenever I thought about it.

Recently, however, I haven't given it much thought. I use the synonym, but often without even thinking. It has become second nature to me. And Roger and I almost never talk about it, so it's almost been forgotten.

Well, that changed the other night.

I had just cleaned the kitchen and living room, and my back was SORE. I decided to turn in early, and Raj lay down with me, rubbing my back. He would have to get up in a few minutes to finish some work, but he helped me to bed and we talked for a bit in bed.

I don't know why it occurred to me, but I remembered the word I wasn't allowed to say, and asked him if the rule still stood. He replied that it certainly did.

"So if I say it, I'll get spanked ..."

"On your bare butt," he finished for me.

"What would you use?" I asked.

"The back scratcher. If you used that word now, it wouldn't be because you forgot or made a mistake. It would be pure defiance. So the punishment would be much worse."

I don't know why I did it, but right then, I said the word. Loudly, clearly and defiantly. It's been YEARS since I've tested Roger, and he's always passed the tests with flying colors. I did it a lot in our first year, then pretty much stopped, since I trusted him to follow through each and every time.

That night, I had no reason to doubt his commitment to DD, but for some reason I just HAD to say the word. I know I wasn't craving a spanking. Perhaps I was craving submission, but definitely not a spanking. I knew I was not in the mood to be spanked the instant he sat up. Knew it the second the word left my mouth, actually. And I especially didn't want to be spanked hard. With the backscratcher.

Since it had been left in the living room, my husband had to walk out there to retrieve it. As he walked out, he told me, "I wish you hadn't done that. I'm too tired for this tonight." And I felt worse.

Soon my guilty feelings were pushed aside as I was pushed over his knee. The only emotion I felt at this point was fear. Why, oh why do I get myself into these scrapes? If I wanted to feel submissive, I very easily could have asked for an erotic spanking. Often, those can be even more painful than a disciplinary one, and they don't carry the unnecessary baggage of guilt and Raj's wrath. I saw the foolishness of my approach immediately, but by now it was too late.

The spanks came hard and fast. He paddled away for a solid two minutes as I writhed. As I've said before, I'm not allowed to "carry on" during a punishment (I can make all the noise I want during play spankings, provided I'm not insanely loud), and Roger prefers it if I hold still, but the backscratcher makes that impossible. I can stay still for anything other than that and a switch. Paddles, belts, even hairbrushes are a piece of cake when compared to those two implements. Just not my thing.

After a couple of minutes, which felt like ten, he slowed down to about a swat per second. Each whap was to punctuate his words as he asked me if I had any plans to use that word again. At this point, I had no desire to even THINK of that word again, let alone use it, which I told him, of course.

He then told me that I could expect a spanking any time I defied him, that he had no qualms about punishing me, even when he's tired, even when he'd rather be doing something else, even when spanking is just plain unappealing to him for whatever reason. At this point, I knew he was on to me. Well, duh. I guess it didn't take a genius to know I was testing him.

As he finished up his final whacks, I explained to him, "Sometimes I just need to know that you will do this for me whenever I need you to do it." Which he understood, of course. The spanking ended with tears, cuddling and a feeling of relief and release, which I had no idea I needed to feel until I felt them.

Sometimes, when I'm exhausted at the end of the day, when I'm tired from being a grown-up woman who has to clean kitchens and pick up all of her toys when she's done playing, it feels wonderful to be able to let go and just feel like ME for a few moments. I can't explain it, really. I mean, I feel like myself all the time, but right after a spanking, or a particularly orgasmic sex session, I feel like all of my responsibilities have gone flying out the window, and with them have gone my masks. The mask I use to show the world that I'm a competent adult who has everher sh*t together, is super organized and extraordinarily capable.

I'm a high achiever, who relishes in being able to dump that persona aside for a few moments and just enjoy being ME. The me that I was 20 or 30 years ago. The me who doesn't carry responsibilities or stress around in her body, but instead feels light hearted and worry-free, even if just for a few minutes.

That's what I get out of testing him. That's what I feel after a punishment. I feel safe, taken care of, and very loved. I feel like it doesn't matter how big a b*tch I am, he will still love me, want me and be prepared to decimate my derriere.

I don't need to test him once or twice a month now, as I used to do in our first year together, but it still feels good every once in a while. And the best part about it is that he doesn't mind!!! He understands this need, and is more than willing to fulfill it. That's when you know you've met the right match. I know full well that there are spankers out there who would find this manipulative, "topping from the bottom" and just plain wrong. But my darling husband, thankfully, isn't one of them. He isn't even a tiny bit resentful, even when the poor, exhausted dear had to drag himself out of a soft, comfy bed to go find his implement.

That's devotion. And it's also why I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Zelly

P.S. Some of you cynics may think I write this stuff to score extra points with him. While that's not exactly beneath me, it's also not what I'm doing here. He pretty much doesn't care to read this blog. He read it once, after the second or third post, I believe, and trusted me not to reveal anything sordid or unsafe. Other than that, he'd rather not over-analyze our relationship nor read about it when I do. I need to verbalize my thoughts on DD. He prefers just acting on it and then forgetting about it. Apparently, if he talks about it too much, it loses its mystique. So I have my blog and he has his silence. A good solution, n'est-ce past?

Humor? Or humility?

2008-06-06T22:35:00.003-04:00

One thing I've noticed about my husband: He has no sense of humor, whatsoever. Well, he does, actually. Just not when he's about to punish me.

I get nervous before a spanking. Often during a spanking as well. And when I'm nervous, I tend to crack jokes. Not particularly good ones, at least not all of the time, but I do think they're funny enough for a mild chuckle, or at least an amused grin. But what do my jokes elicit from Raj? HARDER SPANKS. Extra spanks. A frown. The spanks I can deal with. The frown troubles me.

You would think that he would enjoy my good-natured attitude; at least I'm not pouting, snarling or dialing the police, right? My only crime is finding humor in his discipline and he regards this as a form of insolence. Can you believe it???

Now, perhaps I may be guilty of slightly ulterior motives. Such as hoping he'll laugh and forget about that punishment I have coming. Or make it a bit milder. In the past, with other spankers I've known, this sort of manipulation has worked wonders. But Raj sees it as another act of defiance. And he is determined to spank me until I am in a state of total humility. Or at least moderate contrition. Which means no more jokes. I've often been put back over his knee AFTER he had finished spanking me, due to an ill-timed wisecrack.

My last punishment was due to my inability to bring him the back scratcher when he asked for it. I just couldn't do it. Horrid, horrid implement, in case I've never mentioned this before. Well, he decided we would play a game. He asked for the implement, and I, after several excruciatingly well-placed spanks, dutifully brought it to him. He would then toss it aside and ask me to bring it to him again. The idea behind this was that I needed repetitive training to learn what is expected of me. Well, as you can imagine, this got tiresome after about 3 or 4 rounds. I made the mistake of asking him if he would like me to train our incredibly bright shih tzu to bring it to him. I think I said something to the effect of, "It would save us both some bother."

Well, folks. That was a joke, albeit a bad one. I wasn't serious. I knew why he was making me go through the motions; I'm not dense, even if he chooses to treat me that way when making a point. I thought it might elicit a smile, maybe a raised eyebrow (I adore those! They make me weak in the knees.) Instead, what did I get?

You guessed it. A torrent of backscratcher hell rained down on my backside for a good 10-15 seconds at least. And I'm sure there are some of you out there who think I deserve this for not maintaining the "serious" atmosphere discipline demands, but come on!!! He was playing a game, half serious himself. He knows damn well that I don't need to be "trained" to fetch the toy. He was trying to irritate me, tease me, mock me. I simply retorted in kind.

Yes, yes. I know the whole point of this is for me to do as I'm told, that we both get pleasure out of my obedience and submission, no matter how absurd he's being. But I think that I can obey, submit and be tongue-in-cheek and witty all at the same time. The two states of mind are not mutually exclusive. And I know for a fact that there are some spankers out there who agree with me.

There was this one guy, before I was married. He was an odd spanker, in that he preferred women in jeans. Most spankos that I know are gaga about skirts and dressses, since they emphasize the feminine nature of the spankee. I tend to lean that way myself, but he wanted jeans, so I wore jeans. Anyway ... he loved my sarcasm. My li'l sasses here and there. Of course he spanked harder for them, which I didn't mind (that's kind of the point, actually), but he laughed along with me. And the spanking was all in good fun. A splendid time was had by all.

That's what I'm looking for when I attempt humor. I would love it if we could have some FUN here, and he could laugh with me. But when he's spanking, he has no sense of humor. At all. With Raj, the discipline must be real, and even a smile from me is interpreted to mean that I'm not taking the lesson seriously and he needs to ramp the punishment up a notch. Or two notches, occasionally.

Between you and me, I do love him for this. I mean, it's what any spankee wants in the end, right? A man who is immune to her wheedling and whining, who gives her the punishment she deserves, no matter what she says and does. I love that he's like that and it made me mad with desire for him early on in our relationship. But sometimes, a spanking needs a few giggles. Do you get what I'm saying? Life's too short not to be able to laugh at the big, mean disciplinarian with the back scratcher. Who thinks he's such a big one.

I'm not being disrespectful. I'm not losing my fear of the punishment. Nor am I mocking or teasing him. I'm just laughing. Giggling. Looking at the absurdity of the situation, enjoying it and wanting my mate to enjoy it too. Is that a crime?

Well, if it is, I think I can handle the consequences....

Promised punishment

2008-06-02T14:41:00.002-04:00

Raj told me last night that he plans to spank me. With a switch.

I hate switches even more than the back scratcher, which has been found, by the way. I think it's because I prefer a more thuddy spank, rather than a swishy sting. It's a matter of preference, but I just find switches put my brain into pain overload mode, which I just don't care to experience.

But the reason I am getting spanked is kind of a happy one. I've been PMS'ing for a few days, which resulted in me getting my period yesterday. Why is this happy? Because I haven't been ovulating lately, and was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, or PCOS.

This means that I most likely will not be able to have children naturally. And that even if I choose to have fertility treatments, I may not get pregnant anyway, or may miscarry, since this is one of the top causes of female infertility. Up until yesterday, I needed drugs like provera or the birth control pill to induce a period, since you don't menstruate unless you've ovulated that month and with PCOS, I don't ovulate. I have plenty of eggs, and my body is quite prepared to take care of a fertilized egg once it's implanted, but coaxing the little girls out is a bit of a challenge. And with no egg, there can be no baby.

So my period this month, without drugs, is pretty wonderful. It means that my efforts at controlling my diet and blood sugar levels, which affect this condition, have been somewhat successful. Roger and I aren't going to try for a baby just yet, but in a few months, when we do start trying, the eggs might be ready for us too, if this week is any indication.

So, while I do admit to being a royal bitch this past week, I'm a happy royal bitch. And I may hate the switch, but I kind of love the reason why I'm getting it. Raj is pretty happy too, as you can imagine, but he doesn't agree with me that raging hormones are a valid excuse for nastiness. And unfortunate as it may be, I agreed to let him decide what did and didn't merit punishment, so although he might listen to my opinions, he will do whatever he wants in the end. In this case, I'm pretty sure he's going to follow through with his promise. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Z.

Serious trouble

2008-05-19T12:59:00.004-04:00

I don't usually get into serious trouble very often, and I'm not spanked very frequently for discipline, despite what you've read recently on this blog. I'm not sure what's been going on this past week to keep me in trouble, but I promise you that this isn't the norm. That said, I got into some serious trouble yesterday. I know I deserved every bit of the punishment I got and still am not too sure why I did what I did, other than I wanted to do things my way for a change, but the issue has been resolved and all is right with the world again.

Yesterday, Roger and I spent the afternoon out. We were in a public place, with not much to do, but we had brought some reading materials with us to pass the day. He was a few feet away from me reading his books and I was lying down on a blanket, reading as well. It was a beautiful spring day and we even took a kite with us and managed to keep it up for several hours.

Now, Roger and I have had words in the past about what I choose to read nowadays. I am a very well-read lit enthusiast, but I also enjoy my share of pulp, so I am not always carrying around a tome of Kafka. I can enjoy the classics, and do read them on occassion, but for an afternoon of leisure, I am more likely to read a romance novel or some other junk.

But this weekend was a bit different. I was engrossed in Patty's spanking story, "No Going Back," but at the same time, Roger had assigned me a book to read on Saturday. He doesn't normally do this, but this was a book he thought I would like, that would give us something to discuss with each other, and that would dispel some of my notions about a particular topic about which Roger thinks I am naive. I had started the book on Saturday, and was enjoying it a lot, but on Sunday, before going out, I printed a few chapters of Patty's story as well, so I had both that and Roger's book with me. I like having options.

Anyway, I started with Patty's story and became very engrossed. I really like her writing style, and especially liked this story. A half hour or so into it, Roger happened to look up and notice what I was reading. He came over and told me to "hand over the junk, and start reading ."

Ok. Here's where I could have avoided all kinds of trouble. But I didn't. First, off, I refused to hand over the printout. Second, I refused to stop reading. He was pretty surprised by this, especially after I held my position even after he threatened me with 70 from the back scratcher.

I don't know what I was thinking. I had just gotten about 25 from the evil implement the other night and that was unbearable. Here I was refusing to do something fairly simple, knowing that the consequence was going to kill me. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating, but it was a pretty serious consequence. I still refused and Roger's eyes widened a bit, but he went back to his own reading.

Well, after a few minutes, I had a chance to think things over. I didn't want 70. I didn't even want 10. I asked him if the punishment could be reversed if I started reading his book right away. He agreed. Roger is very fair, most of the time.

But I was still engrossed in Patty's story, so after a few minutes of reading Roger's book, I picked up the printout again. Only this time, I had it balanced behind Roger's book. Picture it: I'm lying down on the blanket, I've got the book up like I'm reading it, but the printout is right inside the book. The printout was a bit bigger than the book, so I had to kind of crease it in the middle and let it rest on my tummy. This worked for another half hour or so. Yes, I know how dumb this was. But I was only planning to read a few more pages before putting it down again. I just have a hard time putting things down once I've gotten into the story. So I was still reading the printout when Roger came up to ask me if I wanted to take a short walk...

He caught me red handed. Not much I could really say for myself. I got a swat pretty much right then and there, regardless of the fact that we were in a public place and there were other people just a few feet away. He was mad. I got an extra 20 added to the 70 I had coming, and this time it was irreversible. We went for our walk, and then when we returned, I started reading his book for real. But it was really slow, and I just couldn't get into it this day. Roger noticed me put it down and asked me how far I had gotten. I answered honestly, telling him 25 pages.

He wasn't pleased with that, considering that I had had two full days to read it. He thn told me he wants the book finished by next Sunday. He will thumb through the book himself and come up with 10 non-multiple-choice questions that reflect the major theses of the book and for each question I miss, I will get 30 with the back scratcher. I asked if this was instead of the 90 I had coming tonight and he said absolutely not. I earned both. And you know what? I agreed with him.

That's not to say I didn't try to change his mind before we went home. I pleaded, cajoled, even threatened not to go home. He was kind of amused by that last one and asked me where I would go. For each answer I gave, he had a ready reason why I couldn't seek refuge there. So I kind of knew I was stuck, and I knew this one would be bad, especially due to the deceit. I'm really not this bratty at all, trust me on this. I often get punished for losing my temper, I'll admit to that, but this kind of bratty behavior is definitely not typical. I have no idea why I did it, but I really regretted it.

Anyway, with my pleading, I managed to earn 50 more. This was building up to an amount that really, really terrified me. I'm not kidding here. I asked him if I could keep my clothes on and he agreed. I usually get spanked on bare skin, but I don't bruise too badly, so it's fairly safe for Roger to spank me over clothes and he agreed in this case.

Well, before we were to go home, Roger had some business affairs to take care off, so he sent me home a few hours before he'd be getting there. I went, fed the animals and then got sleepy. I called Roger to let him know I was tired and ready for bed. To my surprise, he said it was Ok, that I should go ahead and go to bed. He said he'd be home soon. Then, just as he was hanging up, he added that he planned to wake me when he got back. So close, I thought.

Anyway, I got dressed for bed. I put on a few pairs of panties, a pair of yoga pants, a night gown and my big fluffy bathrobe. Then I crawled between the sheets, but just couldn't fall asleep. Waiting for a spanking is the hardest part, especially when you know it's going to be a bad one. Roger knows this, and often uses this method to torture me. Evil man.

He came into the bedroom right away upon getting home and turned on the light. Then he looked around for a few minutes.

"Where is it?" he demanded of me.

"What?" I asked.

"You know what. Where's the back scratcher? You're making this worse, you know."

I told him I had no idea where the back scratcher was, but he insisted he had left it near the bed. Apparently, the back scratcher just magically disappeared.

Roger picked up his belt and pulled me out of bed. After seeing my get-up, he broke his word and started pulling off the layers. Once he hit bare skin, he turned me over and whipped my thighs with the belt.

"Where is it?" he asked.

"I have no idea!!!" I told him again.

After several really intense licks, he let me up, and started looking again. While he looked around, he made me lie face down on the bed, with my bare rear still exposed. Eventually, he lifted me up again. He still had the belt in his hands.

I asked him if he had decided not to use the back scratcher and he said he couldn't find it. He then whaled the tar out of me with the belt until I was begging him to stop. I recall crying out "Mercy!" which is a new one for me. But for the most part, I stayed still and quiet.

When he finally stopped, I lay in position, whimpering a bit. He let me calm down before lifting me onto his lap and cuddling me while I cried it out some more. He asked me if I felt better. I said no, but he said "Yeah, you do." I then agreed with him that yes, I did feel better now that the spanking was over. He then carried me to the other side of the bed and tucked me in.

Once I was in bed, he told me he suspected the back scratcher was hidden somewhere and when he finds out where, he's going to punish me with it. He also said he'd go a lot easier on me if I told him where it was right now. I told him it was probably in the same place his keys, wallet and other lost items go whenever he's misplaced them.

He said "What if I told you that if you tell me where it is now, you won't get punished?" I told him that, if I had stolen the back scratcher, I wouldn't be dumb enough to fall for that." He said that was probably smart, since by saying what he just said, he wasn't telling me I wouldn't be punished, he was just asking "What if I told you...", meaning that if I had produced the back scratcher, I'd still have gotten it, and gotten it bad.

Anyway, I fell asleep soon after that. Wonder what happened to that back scratcher. It's a real mystery. He could just go out and buy another one, which is what he threatened to do after I threatened to destroy the evil thing. But I have a feeling that if he did that, the new back scratcher might disappear as well....

"You talk about wanting DD all the time, but you never want it when you really need it."

2008-05-16T13:10:00.004-04:00

Last night was difficult. Roger and I were getting ready for bed, when he remembered something he had to do. He left the bedroom and headed to his office. I followed a few minutes later and heard him talking into his phone. He was reading out a long list of numbers and when he finished he said "Talk to you tomorrow, good night."

Ok. From his tone and what he said about talking to her tomorrow, I knew he was talking to his mom. But I had no idea what the numbers were about. It sounded to me like he was giving her his checking account number, which was pretty weird, so I asked him what the call was about.

He answered with a joke, telling me he was giving his spies information on how to make sure McCain doesn't get elected (Roger is convinced that McCain will create a war in Iran, so he desperately wants Obama to win. He's voting Democrat for the first time in his life, so this is a HUGE deal to him. He's really really conservative, so this is very strange. I may write more on this later.).

Ok. A joke in response to my direct question means one of two things: He either is doing something he doesn't want me to know about, or he doesn't think it's anything I need to know about. Either way, I wasn't pleased. I asked him again. And I guess I didn't use a very nice tone this time, because I got the look (If you're in a DD relationship, you know which look I mean. The look that if I keep going down this path, there's going to be a spanking.).

Well, I saw the look and kind of ignored it. Why? Well, first of all because I didn't think I'd get too bad a spanking for asking a question. And second of all because I really wanted to know. My mother in law has been involved WAY too much in our marriage. Not so much lately, since Roger and I have been working on that, but a lot in the past. Plus she wants me out of his life, since she doesn't think I'm good enough for him. This all came to a head last year, and it resulted in me not speaking to her for about 8 months, missing Christmas and Thanksgiving at her place and Roger feeling miserable caught in the middle. But that's another post entirely.

So I asked a third time. Loud, angry and in a temper already. This time Roger answered me. He had to tell her the numbers for something to do with an account which was in her name but that he needed information about, so it wasn't what I thought with him giving her his bank account info. After he told me this, he grabbed me by the arm and reached for the back scratcher. I tried to back pedal, but at this stage in the game, there's really no point. I got it pretty bad.

Well, given my history with her and my right to know about anything happening to our bank accounts, I think that he should have told me right away and it should never have gotten to the point where I had to use a "tone" and lose my temper. So, even if I deserved a spanking here, it should have been, at worst, with his hand. This was way unfair, in my opinion. I started arguing with him about it, and even tried to leave the room in order to avoid lying in bed with him when I was so mad. Can you guess what happened?

Yep. I got it again. Worse. This time he wouldn't stop until I promised to stop pouting, come to bed and agreed to do everything I was told for the rest of the night and in short, act like I wasn't angry and be a loving wife again. I promised (how could I not with that evil implement raining down on me?), but was still seething. I did as I was told, crawled into bed after hugging and kissing him goodnight at his insistence, and then got spooned.

It feels terrible to have to act like I'm not mad when I still am. This is one of his devices to keep my behavior in check. If I continue to act out, I am guaranteed to get spanked again, so I am forced to behave like nothing is wrong. Well, once in bed, I tried to talk to him. I tried to explain that I didn't think I deserved a spanking anywhere near that harsh for this.

Personally, I think for anything that involves my MIL, I shouldn't get spanked PERIOD. Because I am putting up with a LOT of nonsense from her. But he doesn't see it that way. He expects me to take the high road each and every time, even when she puts me in impossible situations. It really isn't fair. He's not pleased with her when she is mean to my face, and he tells her so, but if I even say the slightest thing about her, even behind her back, he's all over my case.

Well, when we were lying in bed, he said to me that I talk all the time about how I want DD in our lives, but whenever I actually need it for real, I don't want it and think I don't deserve it. That got me thinking a bit...

I think that's the nature of this whole DD dynamic, though, isn't it? It's supposed to be there to arbitrate whenever we disagree or fight. If this had been a vanilla fight, I suppose, we might have continued arguing into the night, lost sleep and been in bad tempers even this morning. Instead, we both woke up refreshed, and for some reason, I'm not even mad anymore. He, of course, wasn't terribly mad even last night. He wanted to get my temper under control and he did. End of story. But the accusation. The one about me not wanting DD when I need it most. Well, duh!!! That's the whole point! If I were calm enough to realize that I was doing something that deserved a spanking, I probably wouldn't do it!

Actually, I did know it deserved a spanking, I just didn't think it deserved such a big one. I thought I was being punished for asking a question about my husband's bank info being given out to someone other than us. But I was being punished for my temper, and then again for my refusal to let the issue go. I got spanked the second time for complaining about the first spanking. He usually allows a little complaining, but if it goes on and on, like it did last night, I can be certain that I'll get spanked again.

So, in the light of morning, I realized that he was fairly fair last night. I still think he should have told me what the phone call was about initially, but I still shouldn't have lost my temper over it. I need to start trusting him with his mother again. I keep telling myself she's a bitter old woman who has no control over our lives, which is partly what is making her so bitter, so I shouldn't let her get to me. But it is really hard sometimes to trust him in this, given her past history of manupulating him. Argggg. Anyway, I'm off to nurse my sore backside with a long hot shower....

Z.

Zelda and Roger

2008-05-15T15:58:00.003-04:00

A friend asked me about why Roger and I chose our names. In case you haven't guessed, these aren't our real names. We chose them for this blog, in order to remain somewhat anonymous. Roger has a lot of issues about me posting intimate details about our lives, and almost said I couldn't do it, but eventually relented, since he knows how often I'm alone (he works REALLY long hours), and he thought this might help pass the time.

Anyway, why did we choose these names? I chose Zelda because I'm a huge fan of literature, and some of you may know that Zelda was the name of F. Scott Fitzgerald's wife. She was talented as a writer as well, also a bit insane. I often feel I can relate to her: The wife behind the successful man, who has bouts of madness. I may not go insane, but I am definitely very emotional, which is often the reason I get in trouble so often.

I am usually spanked not for a particular action or behavior, but for my inability to keep my temper in check. I can sometimes convey a snappish, almost nasty tone, especially when I feel overwhelmed. I have inheireted this from my family; luckily, though, I have the mildest temper of any of my blood relatives. Roger's often said that if I took after them any more than I already do, he and I might not have worked out. You see, my parents and siblings are shouters. They will take any and all opportunities they can find to make mountains out of molehills, then scream their heads off.

Early on in my marriage, I often found myself getting extremely upset over something that, in the grand scheme of things, wasn't that big a deal. If Roger left a sock on the floor, it was World War III in our home. I, of course, always got spanked, but it did a lot of harm to our relationship early on. I'm still working on that. But Zelda seems to really suit me.

Now Roger, on the other hand, chose his name not because of any Rogers he knew and admired, but because he always liked the name. He also asked that I shorten it from time to time in my posts to "Raj," which in Sanskrit, the ancient language of India, means King. How's that for a male ego? He wants to be my king. Well, I suppose he can be. As long as I get to be queen.

I guess now would be a good time to tell you that I am from India. I grew up in the U.S., but travel the globe a lot, and am often back there to visit relatives. I grew up in a major metro area in the North, but now live in the rural South, which is where Raj grew up. We met while he was traveling and fell in love. I then picked up and moved across the country to be with him.

There have been times when I've almost regretted that. Not because of him, but because I have a hard time fitting in over here. I was raised in a very cosmopolitan environment; I used to spend vacations in Paris, London and Amsterdam. Over here, I have in-laws who have never left the town they were born in, and this is a pretty tiny town. It makes for misunderstandings and major differences. What I miss most are my girlfriends. Bright, liberated women, who are more interested in the arts and literature than in housekeeping. I could care less if the curtains match the furniture. But say nasty things about Emily Bronte or Margaret Atwood and you'll set off my legendary temper. I guarantee it. I'm afraid my in-laws hate reading. But they're fascinated by soap operas and never miss an episode. I'm not joking.

One thing I love doing, however, is cooking. I've been making creations in the kitchen since I was 8 or 9, and really enjoy myself when I'm behind a stove. It's one thing I love about living in a rural area: the ability to grow my own herbs. I may not be able to grow flowers, vegetables or fruits, but I can't live without my fresh herbs every summer. Our kitchen has a door which opens onto a lovely patio, where we keep my little pots of basil, oregeno, cilantro, mint, rosemary, dill and other goodies. I've been known to eat them by themselves! But I can't imagine not having the option of some shredded fresh basil with some home-grown tomatoes (from my in-laws! I can't grow tomatoes!), cooked together with a little olive oil and tossed with some pasta and parmesan. So simple, yet so good.

Anyway, I hope this post gives you a better understanding about me. Raj is a bit private, so most of what you'll learn of him will be through his interactions with me. He's not really a dom, in the classic sense, so it's a bit tough to put a label on him. I'll write more about that in my next post.

Zelda

A birthday spanking ... and a punishment

2008-05-13T13:04:00.003-04:00

Well, last night was intense. Since Roger and I hadn't had a chance to celebrate my birthday on the actual day a few weeks ago, we put off celebrations until yesterday last night.

We went shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond for some of the spa presents I've really wanted, along with some kitchen goodies I also have wanted but put off buying because I thought I didn't really "need" them. Like some funky new measuring cups and a Cuisinart waffle iron. In the spa/bath section we found this really durable back scratcher that feels incredible on my back, but Roger soon discovered that it felt INCREDIBLY PAINFUL on another part of my anatomy. We bought it, along with some hydrating socks, a nifty body massager (can't really describe it: sort of a handle that has several copper-colored "fingers" shooting out of it, looks a lot like a rake, in fact. But the fingers feel wonderful when lightly stroked on bare skin. Yum), and some delicious chamomile-scented linen spray.

Anyway, after a long dinner with strawberry margaritas, we arrived home. Pretty much as soon as we walked in the door, I was modeling my new hydrating socks for Roger, wearing nothing else. I also got my birthday spanking with the back scratcher. After about one whack, I was regretting each and every one of my 33 years. Definitely a spanking implement with more burn than thud. Owwwwie. Triple owie, in fact. You would think that after such a painful play spanking, I would have been on my best behavior, especially knowing tha Roger now has a wicked (I mean REALLY wicked. Truly evil.) implement in his possession. But no. I had to go and open my smart-ass mouth.

It started when Roger turned on the bedroom fan before going into the bathroom for a shower later in the evening. I got a bit annoyed at him, since I was in bed with my laptop, trying to win a game of Yahoo! backgammon. "Can't you turn that thing off? It's blowing air all over me!" were my exact words, I think. Now, if you ask me, I think I said them in a sweet-natured, submissive tone. But for some reason, Roger didn't think so. In a flash, he was out of the bathroom, beside the bed, lifting me into a standing position, then sitting down with me over his knee.

"Do you know why you're getting this?" He asked. I said yes, because of the tone. He then proceeded to give me one of the worst spankings I've ever gotten with the evil back scratcher.

I've been spanked with hairbrushes and belts, riding crops and even canes. This one seems to be worse than anything I've ever encountered. It's just wicked. But when I tried to explain this to Roger a few hours later, he said I was exaggerating. Now if you've read my previous post, you'll know that I have to remain quiet and still for my spankings and that I've managed to do both, for the most part, even when getting the belt hard and fast. With last night's spanking, I lost all control. I was screaming, kicking, squirming, doing anything I could to get away from that evil thing. Of course, that made the spanking last longer, but I really couldn't get control.

He had tried it out on his leg before spanking me with it, so he thought he knew what it felt like. But this was the kind of pain that builds up after several swats, so he had no idea.

When it was time for bed, later, I picked up the devilish device from where he had left it and was going to put it away, so it wasn't lying in the middle of the room, you know? Well, he interpreted that as me trying to hide it, so guess what? Yep, you got it. I got another few whacks with it. I have never hated a birthday present as much as I hated this one. UGH.

Anyway, wish me luck. I think Roger's found a new favorite amongst our toys.

How he spanks me

2008-05-10T02:11:00.000-04:00

When my husband spanks me, as many of you might guess, there's a ritual to it. If I've misbehaved outside the home, I am usually warned, "I'm going to wear you out when we get home," or "You're going to GET IT." Then, once home, he guides me towards the bedroom.

If I've acted out at home, there's usually no warning, just a hand at the nape of my neck, or firmly grasping my upper arm, leading me into the bedroom. Though I'm not proud of this, I've often fought him along the way: Dragging my feet, grabbing hold of objects to prevent us moving forward, even running into the bathroom or bedroom and locking the door if I can manage before he catches me. But, even if I manage to get away, he always manages to pry open the door with a butter knife and my other attempts at avoidance are mere annoyances to him, not very effective at all.

Once inside the bedroom, he sits on the bed and drapes me over his left knee, with my upper torso supported by the bed. His right leg scissors both of my legs, to minimize kicking. I used to kick a LOT and struggle perpetually during a spanking, even one I knew I deserved, just because the pain was so unbearable. Recently, I mean in the last two weeks or so, he's forbidden me to move during a spanking. If I struggle, just like if I fight him when coming into the bedroom, I earn extra punishment.

He's always forbidden what he calls "carrying on" during a spanking. Although I thought it was impossible, recently I've managed to stay perfectly silent during a spanking. Of course, once I mastered this, he went on to forbid movement. Even a toe moving an inch can result in extra spanks. And heaven help me if I so much as utter a tiny sob. That results in MANY more spanks. He's not cruel in doing this. Just determined to show me how much of my behavior I have control over.

When we first started spanking, I thought I would NEVER be able to stay quiet for his spankings: They HURT so much!!! I mean they really, really hurt. Well, it's taken 8 years together, but I have, indeed, managed to stay silent during some of his worst punishments. Which goes to show, I guess, that he was right. I DO have self-control. Who'd have guessed?

Anyway, back to the ritual. After being draped over him, I can usually expect a soft rub, or light pat before the actual assault on my bottom begins. Just to make me aware of my precarious position and to let me know I'm about to be spanked. As if I need reminding. But then, the part I like least, the spanking starts. No warm-up. He doesn't believe in those. I feel every stroke, whether from paddle, belt, hairbrush or hand, hard and fast. I rarely can catch my breath at this time.

He often stops mid-way to determine how contrite I am. If I'm a good girl, I might get by with just a few more spanks before it's over. But if I still have an "attitude," or even if I'm slightly contrite, but not entirely as sweet spoken as he would like, then it's back over the lap for more. Sometimes, if I'm particularly stubborn, this process can repeat itself five, six, even ten more times. I usually hate it while it's happening and curse myself inside for mouthing off during a spanking, but on some level, I must want more, otherwise, why on earth would I talk back to a man wielding an implement?

But eventually, all spankings, even the longest, most painful ones, come to an end. I am usually still for a few minutes, and remain in position until I hear him order me, "Up! up!" at which point, I struggle to stand and face him. He will then look into my eyes to make sure there's no defiance left. Once satisfied, he usually pulls me onto his lap for cuddle time. Now, depending on his mood, we can either go on to more sordid activities together, or, if I've been particularly horrid, I am put down on the bed, with no books to read, no television to watch, no entertainment AT ALL, for a time-out, which usually lasts from a half hour to an hour. I am not allowed up, and if I do get up for ANY reason, or if I make a fuss about this, I'm in for another spanking.

Often, at the end of one of the really intense sessions, the kind that result in a time-out, I am so worn-out I need to take a nap anyway, so the time-out is really a blessing. He kind of wishes I'd stay up during that time, and think about what I did wrong, but often, the very reason I earned a spanking was because I was cranky from lack of sleep, so this, I think, is a fine solution for dealing with my sleepy transgressions. And he's never mad if I fall asleep, just a bit annoyed at worst.

But you can bet I am an angel for the next little while ... Until it's time for another spanking, of course. ; )

Zelda